


You Got It Seriously Wrong

by PearlescentSkyBlue



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Character Death, Beating, Begging, Betrayal, Bromance, Dark Past, Diary/Journal, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Family, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Friendship, Guilt, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, Loss, Loss of Parent(s), Loss of Trust, M/M, Male Friendship, Malnutrition, Minor Violence, Misunderstandings, Not Beta Read, Pain, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Violence, Reconciliation, Regret, Running Away, SHINee Sherlock era, Sadness, Suffering, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-01-07 08:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 44,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlescentSkyBlue/pseuds/PearlescentSkyBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A friendship broken by a simple misunderstanding.</p><p>Onew knows only too well how to hide his feelings but even he can’t keep it up forever. </p><p>For a boy with a past history of violence and neglect, there isn’t much more he can take before he crumbles...</p><p>Now the members are forced to face the consequences of their rash actions.</p><p> </p><p>Little Mistakes can have Grave Consequences</p><p>Can they ever be their Shining SHINee family again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Discussion

**Author's Note:**

> SHINee are a band as usual  
> Set just before Sherlock promotions  
> Onew is still the leader and SHINee is still a family of friends but Onew is on the sidelines, Not quite as included as in real life  
> Their manager plays a rather large role at times in this story
> 
> Sorry about any mistakes as this is all done by me without anyone else's help in checking for mistakes
> 
> Please enjoy! :)
> 
>  
> 
> (Now editing chapters as of Jan 2017)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overhearing a private discussion in their Manager's office leaves the other SHINee members confused and hurt about their leader's future plans for his career and the band

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter Updated as of Jan 2017)

Recently SHINee had had it tough; nearing their debut for their new single 'Sherlock', they each found they were completely piled down with work. If they weren't rehearsing they were on variety shows or doing a big interview but no one had it quite as bad as their leader, Onew. He would rise at the crack of dawn to check everything would run smoothly for his other members, making sure everything was in place so all they had to do was turn up. He would make sure the transport would be where it needed to be and above all else, make sure the other members were happy and well taken care of.

Onew found that as the leader it was his job to make theirs as easy and stress free as possible; the only problem with that being the fact he was now more stressed out than ever. Also, as the leader, he was naturally requested for the most appearances on shows and interviews. With more and more of his time being requested, Onew found it became a regular occurrence for him to have to skip meals and lose sleep, though of course he would never complain. Onew made sure to keep all that bad stuff hidden away behind a mask, but on the outside he was his happy-go-lucky self who was constantly amusing both his members and fans with his 'Onew Condition'. On the outside, at least, SHINee was the perfect brotherly family.

 

As SHINee rode back to the dorm after an exhausting full day of rehearsals, the members amused themselves with jokes and silly stories to relieve their stress with a good laugh. When they reached the dorm, all five members and their manager hopped out of the van into the cold night air, mist swirling from their mouths as they chuckled over a lame joke made by Onew. Key turned to Taemin who was pretending to moan about being asleep on his feet so with one quick motion scooped him up into his arms and carried him inside, ignoring his high-pitched protests. The others couldn't contain their laughter at the sight of Taemin squirming in the diva's arms, but as Minho and Jonghyun were about to follow they realised their leader wasn't with them. They turned back to see where he was but he waved them off with a smile.

“It's ok, you go on ahead. I need to talk to Manager.” Nodding, they trudged inside out of the cold. Manager looked to Onew and knew instantly what this was about; quite a few conversations had passed between them on this same subject over the past few weeks. Onew had always struggled to ask for anything and so their manager knew how important it must be for him to summon up the courage to come to him about this. He knew as a manager he shouldn't have favourites but still, Onew seemed like an exception. So smiling to him, he led the way inside and into his office. 

On the way up to their dorm, it clicked in Jonghyun mind that stupidly he had left his jacket behind in the van. He told Minho he wouldn't be a minute and was about to jog back to get it when Minho grabbed his shoulder,  
“Wait a minute; it's dark out, I'll come too.” Jonghyun nodded gratefully and together they sprinted back downstairs. Securing the jacket, they slowly made their way back into the building, enjoying the cool air after such a long day couped up inside a dance studio. The building was silent at that time of night so as they made their way through the corridor their attention was drawn when they heard the soft voices of Onew and Manager coming from his office. Wanting to respect their Hyung's privacy, they sped up to walk past without disturbing them, but they couldn't help when they overheard Onew's next words,

“Please, I need to leave as soon as possible.”  
Jonghyun and Minho turned to each other, confusion written on their faces.  
“I don't want to just sit here any more, I need to go. I'll deal with the transport and all that myself, I just need your permission to leave. Our contracts end soon ... Oh, but one more thing... please don't tell the others - I don't want them to know.”  
Minho and Jonghyun stood frozen outside the door. The confusion had slowly bled from their faces instead being replaced by hurt and anger. As quietly as they could, they turned their back on the door and with that, the two members crept away, hearts heavier as they bore the new information that their leader would soon be leaving them. The last thing they heard before they turned the corner echoed in their minds,  
“It's driving me crazy being here...” 

 

When they reached the dorm, they found both Key and Taemin sitting on the couch laughing merrily over a joke they just missed. They looked up from their conversation with smiles still etched on their faces, until they saw the grave expressions on their fellow member's faces. Key jumped up first and quickly crossed the room over to the two and started fussing over them just like any Umma would,

“What happened? Are you ok? Are you hurt?” he asked, scanning them up and down for injures.

“No we aren't hurt. Well not physically.” Jonghyun answered sarcastically, still hurting over what he had just heard. Unable to tolerate all the touch in that moment, he grabbed Key's hands gently in his own to prevent him from fussing over him any more. Key looked up in confusion.

“Not physically? What do you mean?” Jonghyun led him back over to the couch and sat him down next to Taemin while he and Minho stood in front of them as they recounted the whole conversation they overheard between Manager and Onew. Hearing the hurtful words Onew had spewed about leaving them, Key covered his mouth with his hand and Taemin's eyes pricked with tears, his lower lip wobbling slightly as he tried to prevent himself crying.

“Hyung is going to leave us?” he whimpered and, unable to stop himself, the tears began trickling down his cheeks, his breath catching in his throat. Minho rushed to his side and scooped him up, sat down in his place and placed the maknae in his lap, cuddling him closely. He wanted to comfort him but he didn't know what to say, his anger only building at the sight of his beautiful Taemin's tears and hearing his pitiful next words, “Why does he hate us?”. When no one couldn't give him an answer, he sobbed once more before burying his head in Minho's shoulder.

“I can't believe he told Manager we were driving him crazy. I just... i just can't believe this is happening' Key burst out, his anger rapidly rising, '...and what is worse he told him not to even tell us about him leaving... What does he think? That he'll just disappear without any of us noticing?”  
Key was by this point pacing round the room, his eyes wild was his exhaustion coupled with his hurt making him feel steadily more and more erratic. His hands were in fists and he looked ready to break something. Jonghyun reached out a comforting hand but Key simply batted it away, too frustrated. Jonghyun then grasped his shoulders and looked into his eyes which sparkling with unshed tears. He immediately pulled him into a tight hug. The tension instantly bled out of him as he rested his forehead against Jonghyun's chest, his own tears finally tracing down his face.  
“I know baby, he's terribly selfish... I can't believe after all we've been through...” Jonghyun faded off speechless and angry.  
Taemin looked up from Minho's shoulder,

“But... w-what do we do now?” he stuttered, holding tightly to Minho's shirt. Minho's hand continued to stroke his boyfriend's hair, but even as his gestures were gentle, his anger flared inside him.

“Well...” he said, his voice seething with bitterness, “I say we should just ignore him until he admits that he's so sick of us he wants to leave and give him the space from us he so clearly wants”.

Both Key and Jonghyun nodded firmly.

“I think you're right Minho, he needs to admit it to us. I for one won't be able to even acknowledge him until he comes clean.” Key's voice was resentful and Jonghyun simply tightened his hold on the hug comfort him. Taemin cuddled closer into his boyfriend. He didn't want to ignore his Hyung even if he was upset by what he said but because all his other Hyungs were united on it, he realised he couldn't escape it either.

 

It was just then when Onew suddenly made his appearance in the dorm and as he strolled in on both couples hugging and saw Taemin's red face, he instantly realised something was wrong.

“Hey, what's going on?” he asked in a soft tone, but what he didn't expect were the glares that Jonghyun and Minho sent him. Jonghyun released Key and took his hand, leading him out of the room without a backwards glace. Onew simply looked confusedly from the door to Minho and Taemin but before he could say a word, Minho stood. His height seemed to tower over his leader even more than usual due to the dark expression on his face, and likewise lead Taemin to his room, harshly slamming the door behind them, leaving Onew stunned and standing alone in the suddenly deserted living room. “What on earth got into them?” he asked himself and began to question what he could have done to cause such a reaction in his members.

 

Onew had always been a worrier, always concerned with the welfare of others and never hesitated to put people before himself. Unknown to the other SHINee members, Onew was very insecure as their leader; he had never felt he was able to do a good enough job. He hated to see anyone else around him hurting and would help them in whatever possible way he could even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness, time and sleep. He was constantly doubting himself as a leader as he had no one to tell him what a good job he was doing, and no one to comfort him when the pressure became to high.  
The others often thought about how he never told them much about his past or any worries he might have, even though he took time to personally see to each of their own and would always strive to do his best. He was very happy as the leader of SHINee but that didn't mean he too didn't have his bad days, but he always made sure to put on his mask and smile like he always did. He had promised himself to never give away what he felt inside as he knew the others would worry, the one thing he didn't want them to have to do.

 

So confused and upset, Onew retreated to his room and pulled out his diary from beneath his mattress. He opened the book and flipped through the pages filled with happy memories, stickers, doodles and photos that littered the pages until he reached the next blank page where he scribbled down a short account of that day, closed it again and hid it back under his mattress ready for the next time he would have need of it. Sighing he turned over on his side, and still wondering about the other's reaction, he soon fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes ;)  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	2. The Next Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning in the SHINee dorm  
> Emotions have changed and Taemin wonders if they are doing the right thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter Updated as of Jan 2017)

Onew was startled awake the next morning to the loud banging noise of a wooden spoon against a frying pan that rang above his head. He whined and twisted in his covers to try and see who had given him such a rude awakening but as he sat up all he was greeted with was the sound of a slamming door. He put head in hands and groaned as he remembered the events that happened the previous evening and how suddenly the members had grown cold.

Still confused, he threw back the covers and quickly got ready for the day, once again checking the schedule so the others could take it easy. All the others had to was go to the big interview they had that day and Onew would make sure the van was there in time to take them to the studio for dance practise. He made his way out of the room and into the kitchen, where he found Minho and Jonghyun sitting at the table chatting, while Key fried eggs and bacon in the pan he had been woken with earlier.

_So it was Key._

Onew thought and as he made his presence known in the room, he felt the room temperature drop as they looked at him with icy glares. He tried to ignore this as he went over to sit in the space next to Minho but when he was about to sit, Minho snapped at him,

 

“This place is taken, Taemin is sitting here” and he slammed his palm on the seat, preventing him from sitting down. Onew was hurt by his tone as he still didn't know what he had done to make the others angry, but he didn't want to make it worse by arguing so he shuffled round and perched himself at the corner of the table instead. They sat in awkward silence for a minute or two before Onew tried to break it with a lighthearted remark to Key,

“Hey Key, Why did you wake me up with a frying pan and spoon?”. He had hoped Key would joke with him but instead he received the angry and snappy reply,

“You should be glad I woke you at all, lazy. I'm not yours to order around.” and he slammed the pan down on the heat mat on the table. Onew quickly pulled his hands into himself and flinched in shock at Key's response. He was about to ask what was wrong, but before he could even open his mouth, Key quickly turned and marched back to the fridge to get banana milk for Taemin.

“Hey, were is Taemin?” Jonghyun inquired.

“I'll go get him” Onew was about to stand but Minho just harshly spat,

“You stay away from him! I'll get him Jonghyun.” and he quickly left the room.

All this commotion was making Onew even more dizzy and confused. Soon Minho returned with a sleepy Taemin trudging along at his side. Key, seeing Taemin, suddenly went into Umma mode and ushered him to the seat Onew had tried to sit in and started fussing over him with loving attention, which made Onew feel even worse because the others were still refusing to even accept his presence. He tried to shrug it off and reached to grab some food, but when he reached across he saw all the food was already gone as Minho had piled his plate full of eggs and bacon.

Instead of moaning or complaining, Onew, being the selfless person he was, felt glad that his other members were getting enough to eat. Taemin was the only one to notice Onew hadn't been able to eat anything, but he didn't want to say anything because he knew they were all still angry with their leader so he kept his mouth tightly shut, except to slowly eat his own portion of bacon that Minho offered to him. Onew decided he should leave if he wasn't going to eat so while the others chatted happily, he went around their rooms collecting everything they would need that day and put it into four bags and left them lined neatly in the entrance hall where they could grab them before they went out.

 

Back in the kitchen the air had lightened as the leader left and Taemin noted that all his Hyungs seemed back to normal when in Onew's absence but as soon as he was made known, they became cold and distant. In truth, Taemin didn't like how they acted, worried about being so harsh to their leader who they should be respecting, but he knew they had reasons and they were bitter about him leaving.

"Hey Hyungs, how long are we suppose to keep this up?" the maknae asked with an innocent and sad tone which almost made the other three want to give up the plan all together.

"Until he admits what he told Manager, and explains why he wants to leave and why he is lying to us." Jonghyun said forcefully even though it seemed more like he was trying to convince himself than Taemin.

Taemin only hoped Onew would confess soon so they could get back to normal - well at least make it easier until he left. He gazed up at the clock and nearly gagged on his banana milk; they only had ten minutes until the van was supposed to pick them up. He jumped up from the table and ran to his room to throw on some clothes. Key was busy making packed dinners for everyone and put them in brown bags with their names written on them, all of them except Onew's. He passed Minho, Jonghyun and Taemin's to them, leaving Onew's on the table for him to pick up, and ushered them out the door, each grabbing their bag from the hall, thinking it was left by one of the Noonas. Before leaving Key shouted,

“YAH. Onew, we're leaving” before hurrying down to join the others.

Hearing his name, Onew darted out of the room when he realised the time, grabbed his bag and an energy drink. He was about to walk out the door when his eyes caught sight of the brown bag on the table. As it didn't read his name, he assumed it was Minho's snack as he knew the boy needed to eat more to compensate for his giant frame. He grabbed it and shoved it in his bag, making a mental note to put it in Minho's bag later. He quickly rushed out of the dorm after a fast scan of the room to make sure nothing was forgotten and went to join the others in the van parked outside; he mentally tried to prepare himself for a frosty ride with his fellow members.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes ;)  
> Hoped you liked it


	3. Interview and Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the activities of SHINee in preparation for their comeback but Onew remains an outcast to the others,  
> Onew goes without food,  
> and only Tae seems to notice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just pointing out that any Italics show either letters or thoughts :)

The whole ride was filled with awkward silence, Onew thought about trying to start a conversation but didn't want to risk Key's anger again so he just gazed out the window. Taemin felt bad when he saw his leader's sad expression, knowing that they were the cause of it, but he couldn't forget that he was the one abandoning them. He tried to shake of the bad feeling and carried on ignoring their depressed leader.

When they reached the location for the interview, Key, Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin all jumped out of the van and went inside together, leaving Onew to trail behind them like a lost puppy. However as soon as he was inside the building and people started looking at them, Onew put on his mask again and his goofy smile, and he was ready to film despite the sadness that was still eating at his heart. He needed to find out what he did wrong so he can apologise for it and fix it, but he still didn't have the slightest clue what it was.

 

Throughout the whole interview, Onew was shunned to the side. He sat on the furthest chair from the interviewers and every time he would open his mouth to say something, either one of the others would cut him off or their faces turned sour. They tried to keep their happy faces on throughout the ordeal but at times when they knew they weren't being filmed, they would send small glares in his direction, well all of them except Taemin, he just ignored him every time his leader tried to communicate with him and he would suddenly start talking to Minho.

 

During the interview the interviews started to become a bit suspicious when they noticed how quiet Onew had been, but they past it off as tiredness because the knew they would have very heavy schedules on the lead up to their comeback. When it was finally over all 5 members sighed with relief, they stood from the stools they were using and exited the filming studio. They were about to ask where they were going for lunch as it was always preprepared for them, little did they know it was Onew who preprepared it, but when he came over to them as he usually would, they turned away from him. He sighed in defeat, he could see they wanted nothing to do with him right now so after finding a piece of paper and a pen, he jotted down something, folded it over and gave it to the Noona next to him,

“Can you give this to Taemin and the others over there, please? I have to go.” she nodded and went over and handed the note to Taemin who thanked her and she walked away. The others crowded round him as he unfolded the paper,

“It's from Onew” he said as he quickly recognised the handwriting. It said,

 

_Hi Guys, I know you really don't want me around right now so I have left to give you space and because I also have something else to do. What I wanted to say just now is that you are eating at the Chinese restaurant down the street, take your bags so you can leave as soon as you get back, there is a table booked if you tell them you are from SHINee, eat whatever you like. Ppyong. From your leader,_  
_Onew._

 

“So that was what he wanted to say.” Taemin said, feeling bad about who cold they had just been to their leader.

“I wonder who told him about the restaurant and the booking name? Do you think he will eat wherever he is going?” Key asked, slightly going into Umma mode despite trying to stay cold. Jonghyun still shrugged him off,

“I don't know or care what he does. I bet the “something else to do” is sort out his arrangements for leaving when our contracts end... which is in 3 weeks.” he said firmly and sadly when he remembered their deadline.

“Alright lets forget about that for now and go and eat some Chinese.” Minho finished and they all left to eat.

 

They had a really nice meal and the staff were really good to them but when they went to pay, the waitress said,

“Oh no, don't worry your bill has already been taken care of.” the others were surprised,

“How?” they asked

“Well the person who booked the table left their credit card number and said to automatically take of whatever you wanted to eat, but unfortunately I cannot tell you the name of that person for security reasons.” the other four members nodded gratefully and left the restaurant, bowing respectfully to the staff.

“Who do you think left their number?” Taemin asked,

“Probably one of the Noonas or something” Minho said and linked his hand with Taemin's. Once they got back to the building they saw the van outside and Onew was talking to the driver, they overheard the last part of their conversation,

“But Onew, you should eat.” the driver tried to convince him, Onew shook his head,

“It's alright, I didn't have time but I'm not all that hungry anyway.” he said and chuckled a believable yet fake laugh. It was a lie, he was starving but he wouldn't complain. As long as the others were fine, it didn't matter if he ate or not, it wasn't the first time he had had to skip meals to keep the others happy.

The others were sad when they heard their leader hadn't eaten but they tried to ignore it because they knew they weren't talking to him right now. However Taemin was worried as he remembered that he hadn't even had breakfast this morning;

At least Key made him a packed dinner, he thought.

 

When they got close enough Onew realised they were there and quickly got into the van before they had to say anything to him, he was trying to make their lives as easy as possible even though it was making his a living hell. He so wanted to talk to the others, even though it was only a day he missed them like crazy, he was dependant on them for moral support and without that he found himself crumbling.  
The others were surprised when he suddenly jumped away from them, Jonghyun and Minho both assumed it was because he wanted to be away from them but as Taemin and Key looked more closely at his face, they could see the pain and hurt present on his features. Over lunch the others had decided they shouldn't have to be sad because of Onew and had agreed they would continue like normal just without Onew, so on the ride to rehearsal they chatted happily, leaving Onew to be left yet again, staring out of the window.

 

Their dance rehearsal was as expected: hard, tiring and physically draining. By the end, all the members were drenched in sweat but that wasn't anything unusual. Jonghyun, Key, Minho and Taemin decided they would eat the packed dinners Key made there then they would head back to the dorm for an early night sleep as their schedules were piled full of things they had to do, despite Onew's best efforts to slim them down. Onew wanted to go and join them but he was afraid of the rejection from his dongsaengs and was too shy to approach them so instead he had decided to slip out again like he had when the others went for lunch, and still unknown to the other members he had placed the brown bag in Minho's bigger bag with a note inside,

 

_Hello Again, I am sorry I had to rush off like this, but it seems you could use some space right now. I don't know when I will get back to the dorm but don't wait for me as it might be very late. Minho I found this on the table, I think it is yours. Enjoy your food, Ppyong._  
_Onew._

 

The 4 sat in a circle on the floor in the middle of their dance studio and pulled their brown bags out of their backpacks and other bags Onew had packed for them that morning. When Minho went to reach for his he froze and the others noticed their fellow member's stiff posture. They looked to see what was wrong and were also shocked when they saw him pull out two brown bags, Taemin spotted that one had a sticky note attached to it.

“Minho, why do you have two?” Taemin asked his Hyung. Minho looked perplexed,

“I don't know. Key did you put this here?” Key shook his head and asked to see the content. Minho passed it over still not having spotted the note. Taemin grabbed it and read it out loud, the others were shocked at the note and looked to Key, who hadn't heard what the note said as the was looking in the bag. When he saw what was inside he gasped quietly and clutched his heart dramatically. Jonghyun looked worried,

“Baby, what is it?” Key looked up to his eyes,

“It's Onew's food, why is it in Minho's bag? I left it on the table for him.” Jonghyun and the others looked worried. They remembered back to earlier that day when they overheard Onew admit he hadn't eaten lunch. Taemin handed over the note to Key who read it and face palmed himself for not just handing the bag to Onew in the first place, or at least putting his name on it.

“OMO, what are we going to do?” Taemin asked, seeming more frantic than the others and they looked at their maknae questionably,

“What is the problem Tae?” Minho asked, trying to calm him by putting his arm around his shoulder but he shrugged it off.

“Don't you know? This means Hyung hasn't eaten all day!” Key looked at the maknae, he tipped his head to the side slightly,

“What do you mean Tae-Baby? He was at breakfast this morning!” Taemin just looked back at his Umma as if he was stupid,

“Pabo! You lot ate all the food before he could eat any, he just left so you could eat!” he shouted.

 

The others were shocked and appalled, not only that they had stopped their Hyung from eating but the fact that he had let them, had that ever happened before? Even if they were being cold, they weren't trying to abuse him. What surprised them as well was the ice in their sweet maknae's voice. He never spoke like that. Taemin got to his feet and left the room, leaving the others to think about their bad actions to their Leader and how he hadn't eaten all day.  
They felt terrible but they forced themselves to stay strong.  
They wouldn't give up until he admitted it.

They were the ones being wronged this time, not Onew. About 10 minutes later the maknae turned up with red eyes and damp cheeks, obvious give away signs he had been crying. He came over to his Hyungs and bowed to them individually and apologised for speaking rudely to them. Key smiled sadly and scooped up his baby into a warm hug.

“Shhh, it's ok Tae-Baby, we forgive you. We know you are worried about Onew Hyung, we are too. From now on we will make sure he eats, but remember: He is the one leaving us behind. He isn't the good guy any-more. If you need anything you come to us now. We can't give up until he admits it. Ok?” As much as he didn't like it Taemin nodded and just accepted his Umma's embrace.

 

 _Onew, wherever you are. Please end this soon_ \- He thought.

 

It was late that night when Onew finally came home, exhausted and starving but he was too tired to get any food so he stumbled into his room and pulled out his diary. He wrote down about his day, filling nearly two and a half pages of sadness and loneliness before placing the book filled with his heart's secrets under his mattress again and with his stomach still aching of hunger, he wiped a single tear from his cheek before turning off his light and drifting away into a troubled sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mistakes ;)  
> Hope you are enjoying it!  
> I hope to update soon! :P


	4. Three Weeks of Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following three weeks and the torment that comes with it...  
> Onew can't take much more...

The next three weeks were practically hell for Onew. Every day he felt his best friends... no wait, ex-best friends from their point of view, drifting further and further away from him; he wasn't the same Onew he used to be anymore to them. Ever since the first day they made sure he ate if only for the fact they needed him well so they could do their rehearsals, however he would have to sit at another table and communication lessened so much so they were having less than a whole conversation a day.

At first they had tried to include him in front of fans and on guest appearances of shows but after a while they couldn't keep up the act and the distance between them became more apparent. People started writing about it on the internet, photos and macros were posted but what got to Onew most were the comments people left.

“That Onew is always hogging the spot light, it's good for the others to finally get the limelight...”

“He is so clumsy and stupid he has his own condition,keep the distance and make sure the others don't catch it!...”

“He is a terrible leader, I bet he always burdens the other members and they finally had enough...”

 

 

That was one of the ones that effected him the most, the one that made him doubt himself as a leader the most, the fact that others thought he was burdening the others. Every day he would fill his diary with these self doubting thoughts as well as a report on how the others still hated him, he still couldn't figure out what it was he had done. He found he had so much more free time to himself as he never spent it with his other members anymore so instead he would often disappear for a few hours and return late at night, the other members didn't know where he went but they tried their best to ignore him and get on with their own fun and leisure.

 

What he missed the most was just the company and time he spent with his dongsaengs.  


Jonghyun, one of the best vocalist he has ever known and is forever grateful he is one of his members. They used to spend a lot of time together, Onew helping Jonghyun practise for solos or concerts and other times they would do duets together in a recording studio, Onew kept all the CDs they made together but he never wanted to show anyone else just yet.

Key, his diva Umma-dongsaeng and the most fashionable idol he ever knew. He used to always be shown the latest girl group dance he learned or to get dragged around shopping with Key and despite sometimes complaining a bit, he was always glad to see him so happy, he also loved how he fussed over him in his Umma way, making him feel loved and wanted.

Minho, SHINee's very own frog prince and one of the most handsome and competitive idols out there. He used to get woken up at the crack of dawn to go and work out and play sports together, obviously Minho always won but it was fun to take part.

And then Taemin, his adorable dance machine who always seemed to be pining for banana milk-shake. They used to go to practise together so he could show his new dances and have his Hyung praise him and tell him how great he was. All of them meant so much to Onew and to be without them tore him apart. But now it had changed:

 

Jonghyun didn't seem to need a practise partner anymore and if he did he would take Key or Minho.

Key was no longer the fussy Umma who he used to be, he was always too preoccupied with his Baby-Tae or learning new dances on his own.

Minho no longer wanted to work out or play with Onew, he would rather go to the gym with Jonghyun.

The difference in Taemin hurt him the most, he no longer needed Onew to praise him as he seemed much more confident in himself and the only one he needed to comfort him anymore was his Umma- Key.

 

The loss of affection from his dongsaengs was killing him inside.

 

He also missed talking with them about their problems. All of them at some point had needed a shoulder to cry on and Onew had always been there for them. He even found a perfect spot where he could take them or find them if they needed any help with their problems. Mostly they were just insecurities, like Jonghyun often worried if he was good enough for Key, Minho worried if his singing and dancing were good enough to match the others, Key sometimes got lonely about being away from home and worried if he was lacking. Then there was Taemin who just needed to know he was good enough for SHINee and if he was letting anybody down.

 

Onew was always happy to sit by them and remind each and everyone of them how important they were to him and SHINee. But now they didn't seem to need him anymore and if he wasn't needed was their really any point to him being there at all? He was always left questioning himself and one day after writing in his diary, when all the other members had gone out to the movies and left him behind, he couldn't contain it any longer; he ran into his room and with his hands twisted in his hair, he let out a large yell and let his mask break away, leaving a vulnerable little insecure boy who needed someone to hold him, but no-one was there when he needed them. The tears rolled down his face and he sobbed into the night, eventually falling asleep with exhaustion.


	5. Happy Birthday?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew's Birthday doesn't go quite as smoothly as he had hoped...

Onew woke up that morning with a pounding headache. It was around 10:30 as they had the morning off. He hadn't drank much the day before and he had been lacking sleep due to the fact he cried half the night so he wasn't too surprised he had such a terrible migraine. He clutched his head and stumbled his way over to his draw where he kept the aspirin, he took the pills and swallowed some water and after placing the bottle down again, he thought to himself

“Happy Birthday, Onew” and he felt sadness crash over him.

He was away from his family and his friends hated him and probably forgot it was his birthday in the first place. He threw on some clothes and made his way out of the room and into the kitchen where he found the place deserted as he expected, over the last three weeks a sort of timetable had been organised so they could avoid each other easily. He grabbed an apple and bit into it, not bothering to peel it, then he went to collect everyone's stuff so they could head to the studio for their last practise before their contracts end, they would sign new ones tomorrow. Onew decided he would make up with his band today, they had all been through enough hurt.

 

When he finally did run into the other members his suspicions were proved right, they had forgotten his birthday and they just treated him as coldly as they had for the last 3 weeks. Even though he was expecting them to forget he couldn't help himself feeling hurt and depressed. He missed his Umma, both of them: his birth mother who used to always hug him and shower him with affection and his loving and fussy Diva – Key who always gave him loving scoldings when he refused to eat or was chasing around for the schedules.

 

He would never expect gifts of any sort but he still would have liked someone to wish him happiness or to at least notice his presence. He had placed the bags by the door ready for the members to grab and he shuffled back to his bedroom where he looked over his a few documents before placing them back in his desk. He hoped he could resolve this feud with his precious members today, he wanted his Shining SHINee family back. He could only hope they would accept him and his apology once he knew what he was supposed to be apologising for.

 

The van turned up as scheduled at 11:45am and the five of them bustled down to meet the driver. One the way to the studio they were all silent which was unusual as the other four tended to remain chatty, but today however they were all thinking about the end of their contracts and trying to brace themselves for the time when their leader will admit he is leaving them. When they reached the studio they all left except Onew who stayed behind to talk to the driver,

“Do you think you can take me back there tonight? I need to make a few changes and add in some new stuff” The driver just nodded happily and drove off in the van.  


Once inside they practised for about two hours none stop until they were all sweating and exhausted. Jonghyun, Key, Minho and Taemin all slumped by the wall that was a mirror and Onew decided now would be the best time to ask them. He stood straight and walked over to them, they noticed the determined look on his face and braced themselves for the confession they knew was coming.

“Guys, please I can't take this any-more, can you please tell me why you are mad?” 

 

His response surprised them all but then something in Jonghyun snapped, he stormed over to his leader and despite him being shorter he seemed to tower over him in his anger, he shoved his chest forcing him to stumble backwards,

“Stop. Stop this right now. Do you here me Jinki?” Onew looked taken aback at the violence in his eyes and the use of his real name, no-one called him that not even his parents called him that anymore.

“Please tell me what I have done? So I can say sorry. Please I honestly don't know what I have done!”

“Like you don't know. I heard you and so did Minho, that night talking inside Manager's office. You want to leave us. Are we not good enough? Not enough money in it for you? Or would you rather just go solo?” His words cut Onew as he realised what this was about.

“Please, it's not what...” Next Key came up and cut him off before he could finish, he pushed Jonghyun out the way so he could look straight into his eyes.

“We have had it with you! Three weeks you've been hurting us with your lies, do you enjoy playing with us? You have torn your family apart, are you happy? You pretending you don't know and that everything is fine well guess what Hyung, IT'S NOT!” he screamed and Jonghyun quickly ran over to his shaking lover and placed his arms around him. Taemin watched this whole scene unfurl with tears in his eyes but when his Umma lost it, so did he. The tears rolled down his face and sobs racked his body. Onew wanted desperately to comfort the poor maknae but he was looking at him like he didn't even know him,

“Hyung please, if you are going to hurt us more then please, just go. Don't you think we're hurting enough?” he said pleading in his voice, Minho immediately wrapped his strong arms around his Taemin and cuddled him as he sobbed. Minho just looked at Onew with a blank expression but his voice held traces of concealed venom.

“Leave.” was all he said, Onew couldn't take it any-more, he didn't want to see them hurting anymore knowing he was the cause of it.

“Alright, if you want me to leave, I will go. I won't trouble you any longer, Mianhae.” he whispered and bowed his head in respect but also to hide the tears that were coming through his broken mask. He grabbed his bag and fled the building, roughly colliding with someone on the way out and vaguely registered that figure call his name but he didn't take the time to notice as he raced down the stairs and towards the dorm.

 

He finally reached the dorm out of breath and sweat beading on his forehead. He dashed up the stairs and into their dorm, he went straight to his room where he pulled out his strong and sturdy backpack a fan once gave to him and filled it with his warm clothing, wallet, passport, camera, and of course... his diary. He zipped up the bag and swung it over his shoulders, then he came out of his room and looked around their dorm, he went from room to room and after he finished he took one more sweep of the house before saying,

“Mianhae, I won't burden you anymore, Annyeong” and he left the room with one final glance over his shoulder and ran back downstairs. As he turned the corner he saw the SHINee van pull up and saw Manager and his dongsaengs get out, all of the members looked sad or had tear marks on their faces,

“Oh no, look what I did to them. I can't let them see me. The quicker I am out of their lives the better!”

and with that final comment he turned and ran in the opposite direction without looking back, no clue where he was going, just as far from his burdened members as he could get and while he ran, one thought crossed his mind,

 

“Happy Birthday, Onew”


	6. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally the members know what has really been going on with their leader and where he has been all this time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note to say the part later on where i mention the 'lights' (you'll know what i mean after you read it) i originally got the idea from a show SHINee were on called 'Taxi' so if you need more help to picture it then you may wish to go and watch the end of that episode!! :)  
> (plus it's a really good show! :P)

 

The four of them watched as their leader fled the building with tears down his face. It was the first time they had seen Onew that emotional and it surprised them but they were also trying to care for themselves and they wondered what they were supposed to do next, then out of nowhere their Manager came through the door holding a small present and a confused expression.

“Guys, what is going on? I just saw Onew run out of the building, sobbing. What happened?” he asked with a worried tone, he searched all their faces hoping to hear a proper explanation. However what he heard was not what he expected,

“Manager, Onew has been lying to us for 3 weeks now and when we thought he was finally going to tell the truth, he threw the lie back in our faces and ran off.” Minho said, still clutching the crying Taemin. Then Key gazed up and added,

“Yeah, still he refused to tell us that he is leaving and...” Manager held up his hand to cut across him,

“Leaving? What do you mean?” Now Jonghyun piped up,

“Both me and Minho over heard you talking to each other about him leaving us because “being here is driving him crazy” and “he has to go as soon as possible” we heard everything” he said but instead of the sympathy and understanding he expected, he was returned with a very sad and pissed off Manager,

 

“What the hell are you talking about? Onew isn't leaving SHINee!” the others looked at him in disbelief and shock before turning to look at each other,

“What do you mean? We both heard you”

“You clearly didn't hear the whole conversation, he needed a little time away from work, not leave SHINee altogether!” he shouted, he scanned the faces around him again “So why did he really leave just now in tears?” Taemin finally looked up from Minho's shoulder and answered,

“Over the last three weeks, after Jonghyun and Minho told us about Onew leaving, we all started acting distant with him and today when he tried to ask us what he did for us to ignore him, when he didn't tell us he was leaving, we sort of yelled at him...” he faded off and s looked down in shame. Manager wasn't happy,

“Well I think we all need to discus this, I saw Onew run in the direction of the dorm so we can presume that is where he is.” he said and started to walk out to the van but Key suddenly asked,

“Manager, what is the present for?” Manager looked a little surprised,

“It was a gift for Onew, it is his birthday after all!” the others looked to each other in shock and horror, they had forgotten their leader's birthday, “Don't tell me you forgot? Whatever, when we get back to the dorm you had better be ready to apologise and make it up to him!” the others nodded and followed him out to the van that was waiting there for them.

 

When they reached the dorm they all hurried inside but where horrified when they found the place empty. Key immediately went into Umma mode and went about scanning his room when he noticed his rucksack and some clothes were missing.

“Guys I think he ran away!” he called out in a desperate tone, the others glanced at each other and scrambled around the dorm trying to find his passports and wallet, they found them both gone. The others didn't know what to do and Taemin started to cry again,

“What have we done to him Hyung? We drove him away when he didn't do anything” he mumbled into Minho's chest as he was crushed against it in a warm embrace. Manager looked to each of the sad and confused members, he felt a mixture of emotions, but he knew it was time they knew the truth.

“Guys, I think right now, you need to come with me. I will tell security to alert me if he comes back but I think, there is something you need to see.” and once again the members followed silently behind their Manager down to their van.

 

It took about an hour to reach their destination but to the members it seemed so much longer, as they thought about what the Manager might need to show them as he had not uttered a word since getting in. they were all feeling really confused and a bit guilty now they knew he wasn't leaving altogether but they still didn't know where he really did want to go to in his time away from SHINee.

After the van pulled over, Manager told all four of the confused members to get out and they did even though they had no idea where they were. It was already late and they were surrounded with darkness, other than Manager's torch there was no light anywhere to see by. It was also getting cold but they were too busy trying to figure out why they had stopped here to notice yet.

“Follow me, we aren't far” Manager said and turned and started walking, and of course, the leaderless SHINee followed. Taemin looked around trying to make out the different shapes around him but he couldn't see properly and he found himself slipping his hand into his Key Umma's, when Key felt the warm hand in his he squeezed it reassuringly even though he also was in need of some reassuring. Suddenly Manager stopped walking and turned back to face the worried members,

“Alright, this is it. This is where Onew has been coming every time he had any spare time, which isn't much and this is where he asked to come when you over heard the conversation. Please don't interrupt me, you might understand a little better in a minute. Now I am going to separate you up,” He then took each member one by one and put them in front of a little name plate with a light hanging over it.

 

After being placed like this they found they were in age order along five different very long pathways. “Alright everyone,” he called, “this is what Onew has been preparing for you, starting with Taemin, read your name plate and enjoy the show.” he said and stood back.

Taemin looked down to the name plate and read the inscription,

 

_Lee Taemin: The best dance machine I could ever hope for, a truly talented maknae who should never have to worry about fitting in or keeping up._ _Fighting, Onew._

 

Taemin felt himself tearing up, Onew had always been so good to him and now he repaid him by driving him out of his home.

Next Minho looked down to his name plate and read,

 

_Choi Minho: An amazing sports player and rapper, he will always be an important person in SHINee and to me._ _Fighting, Onew_

 

Minho was speechless, he knew Onew had told him he was important but he never thought he meant it so much.

Next Key bent down to read his plate,

 

_Kim Kibum: The Umma I always needed, the diva I was always scared of, the friend I will always treasure, he is the key that unlocks my heart._ _Fighting, Onew_

 

Key placed a hand over his mouth and tears formed in his eyes, he never realised how much he meant to his Leader.

Then finally with a feeling of foreboding Jonghyun looked down at the inscription, he had a feeling it wouldn't say anything good,

 

_Kim Jonghyun: One of the best vocalists I will ever hear, it is an absolute privilege to perform with him, I am the luckiest Leader in the world to have such talent in the group. Key is lucky to have him._ _Fighting, Onew_

 

After reading this he put his hands to his hair and started roughly pulling at it, he whispered to himself,

“What have I done? Even after everything I have done he still says things like this? It's all my fault he's gone”

 

Manager looked down at them with a sadness in his heart, he called out,

“There is something else you need to see. Again in age order I want you to read out loud what Onew said about you, leaving out his name at the end, see what happens” they were confused but Taemin looked to his plate and read loudly,

“Lee Taemin, the best dance machine I could ever hope for, a truly talented maknae who should never have to worry about fitting in or keeping up, Fighting”

 

Then all of a sudden everything around him lit up with hundreds of little lights in blue and white. The path way, the flower bushes even the trees, he gazed around in awe, unable to yet say anything. Next Minho read out his and again when he got to the word “Fighting” the whole area lit up but they had different colours – red and orange. When Key read out his, his voice trembled but when his lights came on his were in different shades of pink and purple. And finally when Jonghyun said his out loud the colours came on in green and yellow and surrounded him. They looked around them, confused as ever;  
Did Onew do this?  
Why would he?  
When did he?

 

Suddenly they noticed a dark corner at the edge of their lighted pathway, they all went toward it and found a simple name plate, no fancy or inspirational comment, just the name,

 

_Onew._

 

There were no lights surrounding his area and the members were surprised when Manager suddenly appeared behind them.

“He never got to finish.” he said sadly looking at the empty space, the others couldn't remain quiet.

“Manager, what is all of this?” Minho asked, Manager looked to them,

“This is where your leader spends any free time he may have. He has been spending months here, designing and creating a magical place for him to show you how much you mean to him and what a great family you were to him. He has spent so much time and effort into this for you, and not to mention he has had to work overload to raise enough money to pay for all this. But he never had enough time which is why he asked for a couple of days off at the end of this month to finish the project as a surprise for you.”

 

As Manager explained, all the members reflected on every time over the last three weeks they had ignored him, been rude to him, or just down right bullied him: too many for them to count. They all felt immense guilt over what they did and agreed they would do anything to make it up to him.

“I think it is time you heard the whole conversation between Onew and Me that day...

Onew pulled me over and asked if we could talk so I took him to my office, when we were there I asked,

_“Onew is this about your project, is anything the matter?”_

He had told me about it about 2 months previously but I was worried he would over work himself like he does in everything else, he told me about how he wanted it to be a surprise for you just after your contracts end but he was behind schedule, I think this was when you started to over hear:

_“Please, I need to leave as soon as possible. I don't want to just sit here any more, I need to go. I'll deal with the transport and all that myself, I just need your permission to leave. Our contracts end soon. Oh, but one more thing: please don't tell the others, I don't want them to know.”_

Of course I was understanding and said we would have to organise something but it would definitely be doable, then he said,

_“It's driving me crazy being here... (this is where Jonghyun and Minho left) … when I could be out there working”_

I nodded to him and he thanked me

“ _Thank you so much Manager Hyung, you are a great help.”_

_“Alright but please don't over work yourself, I know I shouldn't have favourites but you are a rather special one._ ” I said jokingly but I did mean it too, he blushed at my complement and left to go up to the dorm.”

 

By the end of the replayed conversation all members had signs of distress on their faces. Key covered his mouth with his hand, Minho's eyes bulged even larger than before, Taemin started to cry and Jonghyun grasped his hair firmly in his hands again. All they could think was,

 

_Onew what have we done to you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd - any and all mistakes are mine... sorry :P


	7. Where Is Onew?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Onew? Where is he now?

 

Their Manager looked around at the stunned and upset members in silence, he knew it would be a lot for them to take in in such a short amount of time, after believing for 3 weeks that their Hyung was abandoning them. However he could tell this wasn't the last of their conversation on the matter.

“Come on, I still haven't had a message from security so we have to assume Onew has gone to cool off, lets go back to the dorm so you can wait for him there.” they nodded and trudged behind Manager all bowing their heads in shame. Once they were all seated Manager turned to them from the front passenger seat, “I think you all need to think of a way to make it up to him when you see Onew again, arasso?”

“Ne,” they all chorused sadly, all staring into their laps as the van started to move, taking them back home.

 

Onew was still running, he had no clue where he was or where he was going, all he knew was he had to get away from his poor burdened members. He didn't want to bring them unhappiness any-more, they had suffered enough at the hands of their horrible, worthless and burdensome leader. His rucksack was firmly pressed against his back as he ran though the spitting rain, when he saw the rain was starting to get heavier he contemplated trying to find shelter but decided a worthless piece of trash like himself didn't deserve the warmth or protection that would bring, so he kept on running in the cold.

After running for what seemed like forever his body started to slow down, his legs ached, he could hardly breathe and dizziness was crashing over him. While he had been running the heavens had opened up and the spitting rain had turned into a storm, the violent winds were blowing him all over the place, the rain pounded on his head and shoulders, soaking him head to toe, making it impossible to see and he could hear the thunder and lightening as if someone was banging drums right into his ears; still he kept running.

 

Soon however, his body gave up on him and he collapsed to his knees, he stumbled to his feet but after running a few more steps, the same thing happened again. He finally realised it was a lost cause and instead started to drag himself under a big oak tree, for some reason he felt he recognised it or a least he should have, he tried to think but he was so exhausted, upset and worn out to remember. The tree's branches and leaves gave him a bit of shelter from the rain but it still drizzled all over him so he put on his jacket and pulled up the hood to try and keep dry. He slung his bag off his back and rummaged through the inside, checking the content.

 

After assuring everything was there he pulled out his precious diary and his pen, he opened the book to the next clean page, usually he covered his pages with doodles, happy photos or smiley faces in the margins but over the last 3 weeks not one picture or smiley face was drawn or stuck down, all that was there was pages of heartbroken accounts of days gone by with his dongsaengs and their anger towards him. He wrote down in his diary like he had for the last 3 weeks, over that time his diary had been his only trust worthy friend. (If you can call a diary a friend) Then he roughly shoved it back in the bag before the rain could destroy it. He huddled into himself trying to preserve heat energy and he thought where he would go next. He knew he would never be able to stay here after what he did to his poor dongsaengs, he wondered if they could ever forgive him for making them suffer;

“Probably not,” he thought to himself. He also knew going back to his old town wasn't an option either, now his mother had died his father wanted nothing to do with him. He could always just start a new life, he guessed that was all he could do.

“If only I had been a better person I wouldn't be in this mess, why am I so selfish?” So after frustratedly berating himself for a while, the exhaustion took over him and his pained body went numb as he went under sleep to which he would awaken from as a man with nothing but a diary and a broken heart.

 

Onew awoke to a small group of men who were shoving him roughly, once he regained full consciousness the pain from last night overwhelmed him but he bit his lip to stop any sounds leaving his lips. It was either very late or very early as the sun had not yet risen but the rain had thankfully stopped. He looked back to the men and could instantly tell it was haters. They were often chased by not only their fans but the haters who were convinced their girlfriends left them for SHINee and wanted revenge. One of the men snorted,

“Lets see what we have here... I do believe it is that Onew guy you know the one from... SHINee!” he sneered and all the others laughed as one of them kicked him hard in the leg, Onew just bit his lip harder until he could taste the metallic taste of blood yet he said nothing, he didn't even look them in the face.

“Aww, look at him, not such a big leader anymore are you?” they mocked, still Onew just sat there but it only fuelled their anger,

“Come on, don't you talk? Why don't you sing for us oh talented Onew? Come on I wanna hear you sing!” he shouted and kicked him hard in the chest this time.  
He grabbed Onew's collar and hoisted him roughly to his weak legs, “He is pathetic!” he said eyeing him up and down, “Just like the rest of those SHINee bitches who keep stealing from us, they are all rubbish and I would like to destroy everyone of them,” he turned his head to look straight into Onew's eyes, “But I will go for them later, right now I'm gonna deal with you!”

  

He swung his fist but this time Onew ducked causing the guy to bang it straight into the tree trunk and he cursed, holding his injured hand. Suddenly there was fire in Onew's eyes, it was weak like him but the protectiveness was still there: nobody ever got to speak ill of his other members while Onew was around. Onew never was violent when people spoke ill of him but if you say something against his precious members, you were asking for hell!

“You will never touch them, you can do whatever the hell you want to me but you will never hurt them and it is your own fault if you were such a rubbish boyfriend your girlfriend dumped you!” and he spat at his feet, however as he did the others all crowded round him and the other guy shoved his hand at Onew's neck pressing into it so he was backed against the tree, he couldn't move and the man whispered into his ear,

“You'll pay for that you little bitch, no-one is there to help you any longer and I have a lot in store for you.” Onew sighed knowing what would come next but he never fought it as fist after fist connected with his face and chest or when the legs came at him knocking him to the ground but never stopping as they tried to kick any flesh visible.  
He just took whatever they had to throw at him and took it in silence, he whimpered at times and cried a few times when he felt his bones break but he never told them to stop, never begged for mercy. In his experience that only made it worse and he had been taught to keep his mouth closed and just take it without complaint.

 

By the time the men where satisfied with their revenge, Onew was a bloodied mess of broken bones and bruises, cuts and scratches. He was floating in and out of consciousness but before the blackness took over him he heard the men talking,

“You went to far!”

“How was I supposed to know he would break that easily? I thought he would fight back. Plus I'm drunk so leave me alone!”

“You could have killed him, what were you thinking?”

“I wasn't ok? Now lets just get out of here”

“What about him?”

“This place is secluded, no one will find him unless they know this place already”

“If you say so then lets get out of here”

He heard the group of men's footsteps fade away but he was in too much pain to look up, in fact he couldn't move at all, every move he made sent terrible pain down his spine so in the end he just let the blackness overpower him and he fainted into the ground, a mangled mess on the floor. 

 

Back at the dorm, the other 4 members waited anxiously, waiting for their wronged leader to walk in through the door so they could apologise and move on and forget it ever happened. Manager had had to leave them so they were left alone with their thoughts while they waited. Taemin was sitting on Minho's lap and sobbing into his shoulder, Key was pacing the room trying to think of places he might be or worrying about what trouble he might get into while Jonghyun just sat on the couch with his head in his hands, inside his mind he shouted at himself over and over about how much of a Pabo he was and told himself the next time he saw Onew he would beg his forgiveness; on his knees if he had to. When the rain started to fall all the members looked up to the window worriedly,

“Omo, what if he is still out in the rain? Think what could happen to him!” Key said in a very Umma-ish way which only made them more worried. Over the next few hours they found themselves dropping off one by one until they were all asleep, unaware of what was really happening to their leader right at that minute; that as they slept, their leader was being beaten because he defended them. They weren't there to save him.

  

Key woke the next morning as the light from outside screened through the window and across his eyes. It took him a moment to register that he was on the couch in the living room with Taemin on the floor and his head resting on his Umma's legs, then suddenly with a jolt he remembered why. His whole body jumped to life and he sprung off the couch forgetting the maknae's head was still resting on his legs and he accidentally kicked him his the jaw.

“Yah, Umma!” he moaned clutching his jaw after his rude awakening but Key was too worried as he realised Onew was probably still missing, or if he had come back he hadn't woken them. “Key, what was that for?” Taemin still complained and Key snapped out of his panic for a moment to inspect him over for damage,

“Sorry, Tae. Can you wake your Hyungs? I'm going to check and see if Onew came home last night” Taemin's eyes widened as he remembered about Onew as well, he nodded and started to shake his Hyungs as his Umma went to check Onew's room. Taemin managed to wake the other two just as a worried and near crying Key stepped slowly out of Onew's room, clasping a note. Jonghyun rushed over to his boyfriend,

“Key, what is it? Are you ok?”

“He is still gone, Jjongie! He stayed outside though that whole storm! But look what I found on his desk” he handed the note to him and wrapped his empty hands around his own waist, hugging himself tightly. The note said,

 

_Dear SHINee Members,_

_I am very Sorry for having put you through such suffering, I pray one day you might be able to forgive me. I am sorry I ever troubled you, you need better than me. You need to shine without me holding back your light. Please be well and happy, if you are then I'm sure everything will be fine. You have given me some of the best memories I will ever have and I thank you gratefully. Sorry again, I will no longer trouble you,_  
 _ ~~Onew~~   Lee Jinki_

 

Jonghyun was stunned into silence as he read the note from his Hyung, had they really done this to him? Made him feel he was the bad guy and he needed to apologise to them? He had left because he thought it would make them happy, they were the wrong doers in this, not him! How could they do this to him? Jonghyun, still silenced passed the note to the others and bundled Key into an embrace. Once 2Min had read the note and hugged as well, Key spoke out what all of them were thinking,

“We have to go and find him” they all nodded, wipping tears from thir eyes.

“Come on, we need to search everywhere! By the time this day is up, Onew will be back with us... that is... if he ever forgives us” Jonghyun said fading off but still grabbing the keys to one of the cars. They all piled in and as they starting listing all the places he could be, Taemin looked out of the window with sorrow in his eyes and thought,

“Onew Hyung, Where are you? We are coming to find you!”

 


	8. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taemin remembers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry, i accidentally uploaded the wrong chapter,  
> Here is the correct chapter 8

 

The SHINee members split up into 2 groups, JongKey and 2Min, and they searched all over for their lost leader. They searched the cafés they often visited together, the arcade, the market places and even every single one of Onew's regularly visited chicken restaurants... there were many! Yet he wasn't there at any of them. The members were becoming very panicked now, where could Onew have gone? They regrouped at one of the cafés and sat down to discus things again.

“Alright, now where could he be?” Jonghyun said as the eldest there, he tried to take charge but his own voice quivered as he spoke. Minho was rubbing his temples, Key was biting his lip and trying to wrack his brain for ideas while he grasped his ice cold drink in one hand, Taemin just looked sad while he thought and kept stirring his straw through his banana milk.

“I don't know Hyung, Uh my poor sweetie is out there alone, probably lost and cold, Omo!” Key mumbled in his Umma-ish way but Jonghyun took his boyfriend's hand and tried to calm him.

“Do you think he will be okay?” Taemin asked in a quiet voice, Minho looked up from the table and put an arm around him,

“We are going to find him, Baby! I swear we are going to do whatever it takes to see Onew at our side again” Taemin just nodded sadly and sipped his banana milk.

Over the next 20 or so minutes they discussed all the possible places he could be and compared that to where they had already looked and any other knowledge they new about Onew's personal life, which wasn't much. Onew never really told them anything from his life before SHINee's leader Onew, but then again none of them had exactly pressed the matter. None of them had tried to break down his walls and get to know the real Onew hiding behind.

 

 

They were starting to run out of ideas when suddenly something clicked inside Taemin. He shot up out of his seat which shocked his Hyungs and especially Minho who had been resting his arm around his waist. They looked up at him and as he turned to leave, they hurriedly grabbed their things and left the money on the table. They ran out after their maknae who was already sitting into the car, looking something up on his phone. Once they were all seated in the car, Taemin said to Jonghyun,

“Hyung, get us to Seonji Park as fast as you can.” The others were curious as to why but they didn't press him as Jonghyun just turned the car on and started speeding down the road towards the park. “If I am right, it should take us fifteen minutes to get there but I just hope we are fast enough”

Taemin said to his still confused Hyungs. Fifteen minutes later the car was parked at the entrance to the park they often visited and as soon as the car had stopped moving, Taemin leapt out of the car and started walking at a fast pace. The others looked to each other before hopping out and followed after him. After a few minutes of walking the others grew impatient, Jonghyun and Minho started to question Taemin but Key suddenly dropped back, Jonghyun noticed this and went back to his lover.

“Key, Baby, what is it?” But Key's eyes were still roaming around the scenery.

“Jjong, don't you recognise where we are?” Jonghyun stopped and looked around him, then it struck him.

“Minho!” he called and he soon jogged over to him.

“What is it, Hyung?”

“Look at where we are” and then Minho's eyes also gazed over the scenery, then he remembered.

“Oh my God, how could we not think of this!” he cried. They all stared at each other before running after Taemin.

 

 

They had all remembered this place from their individual visits to this place. This was the secret place Onew took each of them when they needed a little space, a place where they could break down and Onew had offered to be the person when they needed someone to talk to. In this park, there was a secret and hidden area through the trees that someone would easily get lost in if they didn't know the way. But behind all that was a beautiful setting of a small field surrounded by single newly planted trees. After every visit he made with his younger members, he had bought and they had planted together a small new tree to signify their new start. So over time lots of new trees had started to pop up all over the place.

Then there: right in the centre, stood one huge old oak tree. There Onew would sit with them and talk over their problems, listen to their darkest fears and to the worst parts of them, and then he would be there while they broke down and he would comfort them until they were ready to move on. It was their special place. Onew had always been there for them, whenever they needed him. Yet where were they when he had been the one who needed them? They all felt bad that they had forgotten about this place but Taemin had remembered.

They found their way through the trees with a little difficulty and after they came to the clearing they made their way over to the old oak tree. When they were still quite a way away, Minho noticed something glimmering on the floor, he bent down and grabbed it. It was one of Onew's rings, engraved on it was the word SHINee. He had had it made when they first debuted but now as he examined it it was broken and bend beyond repair, it looked as if it had been struck by lightening, but after the storm that could well have been the case. Minho showed it to the others,

“That means he's here” Key cried and all of them looked over to the tree. That was when they noticed something. A figure lying at the tree's roots. The members gasped in horror praying they were wrong as they all sprinted over to the unconscious Onew and it became apparent immediately he was in a very bad state. His whole body was crumpled to the ground in an odd angle, he was covered in both dirt and blood: some fresh, some dried. His ankle looked twisted and broken, his shoulder seemed dislocated and his chest looked strange, they assumed he had broken ribs. What had happened to him?

 

 

Key was the first to reach him and quickly knelt by his side and moved his head into his lap, brushing the dirty hair out of his eyes, tears in his own. Minho, Taemin and Jonghyun we close behind, Minho started to check him over for any serious damage but he didn't want to move him in the case he accidentally hurt him more. Jonghyun pulled out his phone and called first an ambulance, then he called their Manager to tell him they had found Onew and were taking him to the hospital. Manager clearly had questions but just said he would meet them there. Taemin just stood there in shock looking down at his unconscious Hyung before he saw the rucksack lying just to the side, he picked it up and held it close to his chest, more importantly his heart. His blank expression faded from his face and he suddenly let out a sob, falling to his knees beside his leader before the tears started to snake their way down his cheeks. His chest heaved as he cried over Onew's lifeless body.

“H-Hyung, we-we're sorry. Pl-please... don't leave us. Please” he cried, grasping his leader's hand and bringing it to his face, he kissed it and rubbed it against his cheek. They all hated and were very shocked to see Taemin like this, Minho had nothing to say as he came behind his love and placed his arms around him from behind, giving him a loving back hug. Key also let his tears flow and his shoulders shook with his silent tears as he rubbed his thumb across Onew's cold cheek and his closed eyelids. Jonghyun also said nothing as he bowed his head and kept looking at his poor Hyung. He was beating himself up on the inside. It was all his fault. If he had gotten there sooner...?

 

 

Soon the ambulance arrived and they carefully managed to get Onew onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. The other four begged them to let them go with them so they gave in seeing how distraught they were, they all quickly clambered into the back and the ambulance took off, racing for the hospital where their Manager would be waiting for them. All the way through the ride nobody said a word to each other. As they couldn't hold Onew anymore because of the staff, Key was holding Taemin in a motherly embrace as he buried his head in his Umma's shoulder. Jonghyun and Minho merely looked anywhere but at their broken Leader and lost themselves in thought.

When they finally reached the hospital, Onew was whisked away on the stretcher and the SHINee members hurried to find their Manager. They didn't have to look far as soon he came dashing up to them and asking how they found him and in what condition he was in. After they recounted every detail of what had happened, all the members were either crying or had unshed tears forming in their eyes. For a while the five of them sat in silence in the main reception until a doctor came out asking for the guardians for Onew, and all of them jumped to their feet.

“Doctor, how is he? Will he be alright?” Manager asked, worry in his tone.

“When he came here he had extensive bruising and wounds coving most of his body. He has broken his ankle and has 5 broken ribs. He had dislocated his shoulder and has many minor cuts covering his torso, arms and legs. I am also rather worried about a gash he received across the side of his head from what looks like something like a hard boot to the head at an odd angle. After checking over some other things we found he was suffering from undernourishment and he clearly has been over working himself as it has taken a toll on his body and he is exhausted. Presently, he is still unconscious and will have to stay here for a while and he will have to go under many tests but if he gets enough rest and care I believe with time he will make a full physical recovery.” he said.

All the SHINee members and their manager were horrified at the news of what their Onew had been through but were relieved when they heard he would recover.

“Can we see him now?” Manager asked and the doctor nodded and directed them to room 465, they thanked him and went to see their poor Leader.

When they pushed open the door they couldn't suppress the gasp that left their lips, no matter how hard they had tried to prepare themselves, but to see their Leaders lifeless body lying there on the bed with needles in his hands and his slow steady breaths; the only thing to show he was really alive at all. Manager could see the members needed some time alone so he left them to go and officially sign Onew into the hospital and alert anyone else who needed to know they had found him.

 

 

Nobody knew what to say.

Taemin slowly made his way over to the bed and sat in the chair next to it, he took Onew's icy cold hand in his and held it tightly. He rubbed circles on it to warm him up but he still made no sign of waking up. Key went to join his son by the bed but took the other side as he brushed the hair out of his face and re tucked him up in the blanket. Someone had cleaned him up, his hair was no longer stiff with dried mud, his body was no longer covered in dirt and blood, he seemed more peaceful and his face showed no sign of pain; it showed no sign of anything.

After a while of sitting there Taemin suddenly remembered he was still clutching Onew's backpack. All the other members crowded round him as they looked through the contents: Clothes, some packeted food, wallet, passport... they froze, it was their Leaders precious diary. They all knew he had one but they rarely ever saw it as he kept it well hidden. They all wanted to respect his privacy but they needed to know what was going through his head as he never told them any of that on is own because he didn't want to burden them with his problems. Taemin passed it to Key who opened it and turned to the first page.

 


	9. The Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glance into their Leader's diary and the suffering that happened behind closed doors...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to point out that I know Onew's birthday is really in December but I brought it forwards a few months just because it wouldn't really fit if it was that close to Christmas. Hope you understand and enjoy this chapter!

 

Taemin, Jonghyun and Minho all crowded round Key and sat together as he started to read one of Onew's first entries:

 

_**12th July 2012** _

_I just came back from an exhausting schedule, and I didn't have time for lunch again today, but of course I made sure the others ate well. As long as they are fine, then I don't need to worry. But after today I am completely worn out, but I mustn't let the others see. I need to be the strong one, I am the leader after all. I hope I am doing a good enough job as their leader, I know I am still very lacking and they deserve so much better than me but I will always try my best and power through whatever obstacles are in our way. FIGHTING!_

_\- Onew_

 

After his writing, Onew had stuck in a photo of all of the members laughing together at their dance studio and around it were hundreds of stars that Onew had drawn. It looked so amazing.

 

Key stopped reading and took a breath, his hands gripping the leather book even tighter. Minho just stared at the book in Key's hand with a deep sadness in his eyes. Taemin held onto his Umma's arm as the tears started rolling down his face, and Jonghyun could only stare at his clenched hands in his lap as the start of tears brimmed in his eyes. Key flipped through a few pages of fun doodles and notes Onew had made that on the outside looked all happy and smiles, but if you took the time to look you could see the hidden sadness, exhaustion and insecurities. The members could never have imagined their leader knew such pain and sadness; he had never let them in, and now they finally knew they were beating themselves up for not realising sooner. Key finally stopped at a date that was exactly three weeks ago yesterday.

 

_**24th August 2012** _

_Just finished after another day of schedules and practise, but as long as my dongsaengs had a good time and are well rested, then I know I will be fine. Although I think I caught another fever but I will have to hide it from them because I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to be distracted and waist time over me when they have their own problems to deal with. I hate to bother any of them with my own problems because I am too weak to handle them on my own. I am the leader so it is my duty to stay strong. Anyway I asked Manager if I can have some time off to go and work on the surprise and he said yes. I really hope they like it when I show it to them and I hope they realise how much I appreciate them, I clearly don't do it enough. Something seems a little off with the others though, the atmosphere was...strange? Different?... They seem to be angry at me. I have been trying to think of what it could be about but I just don't know. I know I am not a good enough leader but I hope I can find out what I have done wrong and apologise to them so I can fix it. FIGHTING?!?_   
_\- Onew_

 

Guilt twisted their insides as Key read, Jonghyun put his head in his hands and pulled roughly at his hair, while Minho's already frog-like eyes bulged as they heard what Onew had written. Taemin just continued to let the tears fall silently as his Umma read on. He flipped through the pages of heart ache that the four of them had caused their poor innocent Leader, none of them would have been able to bare the guilt of hearing all they had done wrong twisted in Onew's mind into his own faults and insecurities. Then Key stopped at the last entry, it was dated from the day before, Key took a breath and read the words on the page.

 

_**14th September 2012** _

_Well it's my birthday today, the others forgot but that doesn't matter. I would never ask for presents, especially after what I discovered today. I found out why the members have been so distant with me lately. It's because they thought I was leaving them, they must have overheard part of the conversation I had with Manager. They were so angry and sad, I knew then I had to leave. I would never willingly put them through that and I could see the burden I was to them. I had never seen Key so livid, Jonghyun was so defensive,Minho was so disappointed and cold, then Taemin, he was so upset it tore my heart. I left to protect them from my selfish and greedy self. I don't know what I am going to do now though. I don't have a home anymore or a family. I always ruin any family I am given. My Umma is dead, my Appa hates me and I drove away the only family I would ever need, my poor SHINee dongsaengs._

_If they wanted, I would crawl back and beg them on my knees for forgiveness, which I clearly don't deserve, and beg them not to leave me but I guess that's it though isn't it? I always get left behind; of course it's my own fault, why would anybody want to keep me after all the suffering I put them through. I deserve to be left alone, what good did I ever do to deserve any better? So I can't ever go back because they must hate me so much... I hate myself, why would I put them through that? Why am I so selfish? They deserve better than me, someone who can give them what they need and more: someone who doesn't always put burdens on them. I can only hope one day they might find it in their hearts to forgive me, I don't want them to hate me, but how could they not after what I did to them._

_I guess now I need to start my life again. Lee Jinki, I need to get used to that. I will no longer be Onew but go back to the abandoned Lee Jinki I was before I was given the chance to start again with SHINee. I will have to forget all about my time as their leader, even though I want them to be in my thoughts forever, but they will easily forget me and find someone better than me: someone who they deserve. Onew is over, maybe he was never real to begin with, just a silly too-good-to-be-true dream. And who knows? If I can't find another home, I might be with my Umma sooner than expected. I miss her so much! I'm so sorry Umma, I failed you as a son. Mianhae Umma, Mianhae._

_– Lee Jinki_

 

Key slammed the book closed.

 

That was it, the four couldn't take it anymore as they absorbed all they had just read. Jonghyun suddenly stood up and ran out of the room and up to the roof.

There he broke down completely.

He fell to his knees and screamed to the skies how sorry he was and begged them to give him another chance with Onew and begged for his forgiveness.

 

He continued screaming until his voice broke, he continued screaming until his throat was hoarse and he was left choking on his sobs. His hands made their way to his hair again, tugging so roughly he almost tore half his hair from his scalp. Unknown to him, Key had followed him up and watched in silence as his love broke before his eyes. When he finally had exhausted himself he walked forwards and knelt in front of Jonghyun and tried to detach his hands from his hair, all the while Jonghyun was murmuring something over and over,

 

“It's all my fault, it's all my fault.” Key placed his hand on the side of his Hyung's face and guided it to meet his own. When Jonghyun finally came back to the present, he noticed the still wet tear tracks down his sweet lover's face.

 

“Shhh,” Key said trying to comfort him, but he only shook his head and looked desperately at Key,

 

“Don't you see Key? This is all my fault. If I had only listened to the whole conversation, or not at all this never would have happened. It's all my fault” and he started to sob again,

 

“Hyung, it was all our faults. We all were cruel to him and none of us listened to him, this isn't all your fault and beating yourself up isn't going to bring Onew back to us any faster, in fact think how he would feel if he found out you were hurting yourself over him, it would only make him hate himself more. Come on, Baby, Come with me”

 

Jonghyun could only nod and allowed himself to be pulled up and guided back downstairs by Key, back to Onew's room, where he found Taemin and Minho. Taemin was sitting beside Onew's sleeping form, holding his hand tightly as tears dripped down his face, while he whispered apologies over and over to his Hyung. Even Minho who hardly ever showed strong sad emotions, was found with tears flowing down his face as he sat in the corner with his arms around his waist. Key looked around the other members and thought,

 

_“Look at us, We need you Onew, Please come back to us quickly. We are so sorry and when you wake up we will never let you suffer the same way ever again, we are the selfish ones not you. Please give us another chance Onew, Please.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any and all mistakes are mine, sorry about that :P  
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and will stay tuned until the next one.  
> I REALLY appreciate feedback so if you have any pros or cons with how i'm doing that would be great and please feel free to point out any stupid mistakes and all that.  
> Kamsahamnida!! ^_^


	10. What He Does For Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small insight to what Onew has done for his dongsaengs from behind the sidelines...

 

Manager walked in some time later to find all his remaining members with tear tracks down their face, he glanced around and asked,

“What happened?”

Without even managing to look up, Key pushed the leather bound book towards him and Manager scooped it up. He flicked through the pages and scanned some of him entries. His heart sank. He knew his eldest member had some insecurities, that much was easy to see, but he had no idea he was battling so many demons. He placed the book down carefully on Onew's side table and just looked down at the depressed boys. He hated to see any of them sad but they had to understand what their Leader had been going through and how much he really did for them without their knowledge or any thanks in return. He walked over to Jonghyun and placed his hand on his shoulder,

“Meet me outside, all of you. There is something you need to know”

Jonghyun's eyes lifted from his lap and looked to his with tears still in them, he nodded. Manager then squeezed his shoulder a little and turned to leave, giving them all a minute to clear their faces a little and stretch out after sitting by Onew's bed for so long. Soon though, all four were sitting in a row of plastic chairs in a deserted hall, looking into their laps with red eyes and faces as they had roughly wiped their tears away.

 

 

Manager paced along their line of chairs, wondering where to begin; he never thought he would have to have this talk with them. Then he stopped straight in front of them in the middle, scanning them again. He could see their guilt was already eating them up but they needed to know, he sighed

“Look guys, you know I am never too harsh on you, I try to be a good Manager and to take care you. But honestly I am really disappointed in you. What happened to you? You used to be closer than brothers but you've been treating him like he was merely a stranger in the streets in fact even worse; you've been acting as if he was never there in the first place. You used to have so much fun, none of you could ever go a day without laughing at something - Onew made sure of that. But in the last 3 weeks it seems like you have still been trying to have fun only without your Leader, anyone can see it isn't the same. But I need to know what you were thinking when you started being so cruel to Onew. The thing that keeps us so close is trust, yet you immediately assumed Onew would leave you for money? You know he would never do such a thing.”

While he talked, SHINee's faces all contorted with guilt and pain. They knew they had wronged their leader terribly but to hear it so strongly said straight from their Manager, who had always been kind and understanding, just made it all seem so much more real and serious.

“Look, I'm not saying these things to chew you out. I know you feel bad already for your actions but you need to understand how hard Onew has had to work as your leader and all the extra time and effort taken to make your lives as easy and fun as possible” he paused then started again,

“If you looked at Onew for the first time, what would you see? You would see a fun, goof ball who makes everyone laugh with his sangtae and looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. But that is what he wants you to see. He lost his mother at a young age and his father was not a nice man; eventually he even got kicked out of what was supposed to be a loving home. Since then he has been trying to rebuild some form of stable and loving family, which he thought he found in you guys. But he is very insecure about himself and he is constantly worried he will mess up and ruin everything he has tried to make for himself. He looses sleep when he stays up late to fix your schedules to make sure everything goes smoothly, he skips meals to make sure you get enough to eat and are well taken care of. He forgets to look after himself so he often falls ill, but he tries his hardest to hide it so people around him won't worry. He is worried if he burdens you, you will grow tired of him and leave him like his first family did. He needs you more than you realise, and you need to know what he has been doing for you secretly and without thanks for the last 4 years.”

 

 

He took a deep breath and went to stand at the end of the line where Key was sitting, tears already making their way down his cheeks. “Key, do you remember all those times where you would see an amazing piece of clothing or an outfit you wanted but it was too expensive, then a few day later a fan would give the exact same thing to you but you thought it was just a coincidence?”

Key just nodded his head with confusion on his face. Now that he thought about it, it seemed rather odd. “Well they were all actually from Onew,” Key looked up at his Manager, not really believing and yet at the same time he knew it was the utter truth, “He went back every time to buy it for you and then he gave it to a fan and asked them to give it to you” Key just stared into space as he thought about out all those times he received expensive gifts from fans, were they all from Onew? “Key there is more, you know that photo album full of photos of your parents and all of us here together?”

“Ne, I got it just around the time Onew first took me too the special tree where I told him I was missing my family and... oh no” he realised what was coming but Manager said it anyway,

“Yes, Onew made it for you when you told him about how you missed them so he wanted to have pictures to remind you of them, he did a little digging around to find them, then he wanted to show you that SHINee were your family too so he put all the photos he could find into it. He had someone drop it off so it didn't look like it was from him, he spent a lot of effort to make it.” Key let his head fall into his hands and the tears started to fall in earnest as the guilt was poured over him.

 

 

Next Manager took a step so he was facing Minho. “Minho, remember that time you wore out your favourite sport shoes so much you couldn't wear them 2 days before that competition? Onew was the one who went out late to buy you an exact replacement and left them by the door for you the next day. Also everyday before you go to play sports, it is Onew, not a Noona or someone else who leaves you your favourite healthy snacks and energy drinks. Onew has been spending a lot of money to make sure you have everything you need including new sports and fitness equipment”

Minho's already large eyes, widened with shock. It would have been funny if not for their current situation. He had completely forgotten the shoes incident which helped him win the race and saved him a possible injury, and the snacks and drinks, well he had come to take them for granted as they were always there for him, he should have been more grateful even if it had just been a Noona.

 

 

Another step and Manager was looming over a shaking Taemin. He already looked so heartbroken and Manager knew what he had to say wouldn't make it any easier but he needed to hear it, “Taemin, the extra dance classes you get in the dance studio with your instructor, they don't pay for themselves. Onew organised everything and pays for every lesson and for the use of the studio, but you never even realised.” Taemin started to sob quietly through guilt and he wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging himself.

 

 

Then finally Manager came face to face with Jonghyun. Jonghyun knew it would be something terrible to add to his guilt and he tried to brace himself for whatever it was, but no matter how hard to tried to prepare himself, nothing could have prepared him for what Manager said next. “Jonghyun, you know how companies and shows and other artists always call you up out of the blue to offer you jobs and extra appearances? That is because Onew himself calls up every single one of them and convinces them to have you and choose you over any other singer, even if he was offered the job first. Onew has been like a second manager to you and it is thanks to him you have made all those records and sung so many solos.” Jonghyun paled and then looked like he might be sick,

“Oh God.” he mumbled, his voice breaking.

 

 

“Onew works so hard for all of you, because he loves you. You are everything to him and he is always there for you, but lately you haven't been there for him. But even when you were cold he was doing things for you without even you noticing: Every morning he would still get your bags together and leave them in the hall, I'm guessing you thought it was a Noona or someone, he makes sure you always have whatever you want or need, he has to work overtime to afford all he does for you and so your schedules are lighter so you have more free time. Oh and one more thing, every time you go out to a restaurant, which is practically every day, Onew either pays for whatever you want there, or as he has had to do while you ignore him, he calls ahead, leaving his credit card number which automatically takes off whatever you order. Onew does so much more for you than you could ever imagine and he never gets any thanks. All the thanks he wants is for you to stay by his side and be his family, but during the last few weeks even that has crumbled around him, not to mention the fact he was just attacked by haters. When he does wake up he will be more fragile than ever, you will have to be with him for every step of his recovery or he might just shatter all over again.”

He paused again looking at the boys with a deep sadness in his eyes,

“I know this is a lot to take in and I can see you are all beating yourselves up here, so I won't talk any longer, just please promise me that if you overhear a conversation, specifically if you think it is important, please find out the whole truth before spreading it round. There is a reason why sometimes I don't share things with you straight away, please respect that. I don't want to hear of anything like this happening ever again, whether it be Onew or anybody else. Understand?”

“Ne,” they all chorused sadly and with one last look, Manager let them to go back to their Leader, feeling even worse than they did before when they read the diary. Onew had suffered so badly and not just in the last 3 weeks, he had been suffering in secret all this time and they never even noticed. They had never felt so ashamed of themselves as they stared down at the lifeless figure of their Leader and thought about all he had done for them without them even knowing.


	11. A Sign Of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally a glimmer of hope in the darkness

A few days had passed since their talk with Manager, with no sign of change in their Leader. Every night, at least one of the members would stay behind at the hospital while the others went back to the dorm to rest so Onew was never on his own in case he woke up to find himself alone and abandoned. Jonghyun seemed to have gone into shock, for the first two days he wouldn't move from his place by Onew's ward; he didn't eat, he didn't sleep, until eventually Key and Manager had to forcefully drag him to the van and drove him back to the dorm where Key fussed over him. All of the others were very worried for Onew and they had stopped everything else in their lives while they waited for him to wake up. Manager had cleared all their schedules, Taemin and Minho had been given leave from school so if they weren't in the dorm, they were at the hospital.

 

All of them had broken down into tears at least once by now, including Minho, when the guilt, emotion and tensions got too much and all of them would group together to help each other; they realised that after what Onew went through, none of them would be left alone to suffer: it was the group's duty to protect and comfort their own. Onew used to take care of all that for them, he would take them to their special tree and talk over their problems. He always was patient while he listened and he gave good advice as well as comforting them through whatever was wrong. He was always there for them but they weren't there for him or each other, they knew they had to start defending themselves and not leave everything to their overworked Hyung.

 

However, the members had never been so vulnerable as they waited for any signs of when Onew might be joining them again, all they wanted was for him to be okay and wake up so they could apologise. Every single one of them would willingly give up anything in the world for them to reverse time and start again: but this time do it right, but they knew wishing was pointless and they would just have to use the time they had left to fix their mistake. They remembered what Onew used to say:

_“It is never too late to ask for forgiveness”_

 

 

It was around 8:30am when Onew first showed any sign of life other than the beeping from the heart monitor. Jonghyun had stepped out to get everyone some drinks to wake them up, Minho was sitting on his own in a chair, leaning forwards with his hands clasped together in his lap: silently praying, while Taemin was sitting curled up in Key's lap while he tried to soothe the sweet yet heartbroken maknae. When suddenly Onew's finger twitched ever so slightly and he started to move his head. The others looked up when the beep of his heart monitor increased a little and were shocked when they saw his head move. Quickly the three of them in the room rushed over to the bed and started calling to him, it was now that Jonghyun had returned with steaming drinks in his hands, to see his three dongsaengs crowded round his Hyung's bed. He was about to call over to them to ask what was happening when Onew started to mumble incoherent words,

“No... please... mmm... don't... uh... no...” It made no sense to the others but what they did understand is that Onew seemed to be waking up. Jonghyun immediately dropped the hot drinks all over the clean floor and rushed to get the nurse or a doctor.

 

 

Soon Jonghyun, Key, Minho and Taemin found themselves sitting outside Onew's ward in those same white plastic chairs while the doctors looked him over. They were all so worried and they felt sick. Was Onew waking up such a good thing after all? They knew it was, but they weren't sure if they were ready. They didn't know how Onew would react, if he would be sad, angry, depressed, ashamed... They didn't have a clue, but then the doctors came out; the sound of the door hinge, snapping them from their daze. One doctor glanced down at his clipboard before looking back to the remaining SHINee members.

 

“Mr Lee is still not yet fully awake, however we do believe he is returning to consciousness. His body seems to be in a sort of paralysed state while his body heals however his brain activity is increasing and is returning to a more moderate level, although as you saw he is able to move a small amount at times. To you it will merely seem like he is in a deep sleep as he may start talking as you just saw, we are not sure that he will be able to hear you though as he is still not showing much reaction to things around him, so for now we believe he is still stuck in his mind and doesn't register the real world. However this is a very good sign and we think this means he will be waking up much sooner than originally expected. With a little patience we believe Mr Lee will be back with us soon.”

 

The four of them bowed with thanks to the doctors and they left to tend to their other patients while the other members thought over what they had just been informed. It was a shame and very sad that Onew was not yet awake but it meant he would be soon and they were happy when the doctors said Onew would make a full recovery. While the others started to smile and hug each other, Minho whipped out his phone and messaged Manager.

 

_To Manager:_   
_Onew started to move and talk today. He is still not fully conscious but the doctors believe this is a sign that he will wake up soon. Maybe soon we can all go back to the way it should be. Help us pray for him. Fighting!_   
_Minho_

 

 

He sent the text then put his phone back in his pocket just as Taemin came over and tackled him. He chuckled as he wrapped his arms around the slim figure of their little maknae; it was the first time he had seen him smile so wide since they first came to the hospital. They all knew his fruitless attempts of masking his sadness were crumbling and useless, they could see right through them. They had all been trying to hide their weaknesses so they could stay strong for each other but it was hard when they forced themselves to look at the what their mistake had caused: the lifeless body of their Leader, laid out on the bed as if for decoration, how still he was, as if he had been emptied. That is until now. When they had seen their Hyung start to move and mumble, it rekindled their hope that everything will be alright in the end and they were going to hold onto that until he was with them once again.

They all went back into the ward with lighter hearts, still weighed down with guilt but they found it a little easier to bear it together. The sight they held was still the same as when they left: Onew lying on the bed, attached to a heart rate monitor, still as death. But this time it felt different seeing him because the members knew that he would be waking up soon. Hopefully. So they just sat there with him, waiting for another sign of life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is kind of short but i can promise the next one will be longer but it might take me a while to get it up: next saturday at the latest. Please leave a comment if you can, i really appreciate any feedback and i love reading them. Thanks for your support! <3  
> All mistakes are mine, Sorry about that! :P  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	12. Leader's Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew is beginning to dream which brings back some rather unpleasant memories for the members.

 

A whole day had passed and Onew hadn't said another word. The excitement the others had been feeling was slowly wearing off. They were all sitting in the ward in almost silence: Taemin never left the spot beside his bed where he grasped his Hyung's hand and thought over how he could ever make it up to him, Minho was where you would practically always find him: on his own in the corner while he prayed for his leader's quick recovery, Key was being the fussy Umma he was and kept tucking him into bed again and lovingly running fingers in his hair, while Jonghyun could only sit there with his head in his hands and whisper things over and over to himself,

“It's all your fault, you did this, if only I hadn't forgotten my jacket this never would have happened, why did I have to do this, it is all my fault, he will never forgive me”. They all thought over what the doctors had told them that morning,

 

_“We are not sure when but we believe it will be soon, that Mr Lee is going to start dreaming which is the next step of his recovery, these dreams will be very vivid to him and often they can be memories and he may even start talking when he experiences them. We can only hope they will be good memories or else you need to be prepared to hear what he has to say”_

 

 

They were all worried about what Onew would experience, they knew they had caused a lot of bad memories and they didn't want him to face those. They were all just thinking to themselves when suddenly Taemin felt Onew's hand twitch in his.

“Hyungs, I think Onew's dreaming, I felt him move his hand” Taemin called and the others all looked up to him. At first they were excited but then their leader's previously peaceful expression turned to one of pain.

“Father” Onew mumbled, his face contorting and he turned his head while he slept, “Father, please... I'm sorry, forgive me... I didn't mean too” The others looked to each other, what was their Leader dreaming about, why was he mentioning his Appa? None of them knew much about his parents or family, only that he was an only child and that they never seemed to come to watch him in concerts or awards. Onew was starting to toss around a little more. “Father... I'll never do it again... please don't hit me anymore... Father I'm sorry... please stop” he said, his voice cracking as tears started to make their way down his face, then suddenly he cried “Umma, please come back... help me... I'm sorry I couldn't save you... forgive me”

The other four gazed at each other with horror. Was this why they had never seen his parents and why he never talked about them? Did his father beat him? It sounded like it from the way he was crying and calling for his parents not to leave him. It was heartbreaking to see and they couldn't take it anymore. Taemin placed his hand over his Hyung's again and held it tightly, he ghosted his fingers over his warm forehead to sooth him, soon his muffled cries died away and he was sleeping peacefully once again.

 

All the members were shaken as they replayed everything that happened in those short moments, yet in those brief minutes they had learned more about their Hyung's life than they had discovered since their debut. It was some time later that Onew started to talk again.

 

“Please... I'm sorry... Don't leave me, Umma... Please” he started to mumble again. The others glanced at each other, they presumed he was dreaming about his mother again but then they heard something they didn't expect. “Key Umma” they all looked from Onew to a startled Key, his eyes were widened and he went straight over to the bed, followed closely by the others. “Umma, please... I'm sorry... I tore your family apart... Key, please don't go... I'm sorry” Onew shook his head slightly as he tried to fight whatever cruel images his mind was forcing upon him. Tears pricked Key's eyes as he heard his Leader call him from where he was trapped in the dark. He recalled those same words he used when they chased him away.

 

 

_Key's Flashback_

… Onew stood there as the abuse was hurled at him, he tried to reason with them, he was getting desperate.

“Please, it's not what...” Next Key came up and cut him off before he could finish, he pushed Jonghyun out the way so he could look straight into his eyes.

“We have had it with you! Three weeks you've been hurting us with your lies. You have torn your family apart, are you happy? You pretending you don't know and that everything is fine well guess what Hyung, IT'S NOT!” He screamed in his leader's face...

_End of Flashback_

 

 

Key hung his head in shame as single tears rolled down his face, he knew he had been one of the meanest to Onew physically when he changed. The others mostly ignored him but he had made his life so much harder even if he sometimes didn't mean it or even realise he had. He wanted to tell Onew, he was right there and he would never leave him alone to his suffering again, but he knew he couldn't hear him and he was still so lost in his dream. Then suddenly he started talking again, this time it wasn't just to Key.

“Minho, I'm sorry... I wasn't good enough... and I wasn't the friend you needed... and I'm sorry I am so lazy.” Minho's eyes widened as he realised what his Hyung was talking about. He put his head in his hands as the memory washed over him.

 

 

_Minho's Flashback_

… It was during the first week of their coldness towards Onew, they were going out for morning fitness which Minho had insisted on. They were acting pretty distant but they were still trying to include him in their activities because they were unused to spending so much time away from him. They had been out for a routine morning jog when Minho decided they should stop and play a game of Basketball. Taemin didn't feel like playing and was very tired so he sat out, leaving the teams as Jonghyun and Key vs. Minho and Onew.

It had started off as a friendly game but when Minho and Onew's team started to fall behind with the score, Minho's competitive side started to emerge and take over. You could see his determination, yet when Onew tried to play along, he couldn't keep up with Minho's speed and his sangtae kept holding him back. At the end of the game, Minho and Onew lost 6:4 and Minho wasn't happy. They were all pretty crabby as it was still first thing in the morning and Minho was no exception as he turned angrily to his Leader.

“Ugh, Onew, why are you never where you should be? You know how much these sports mean to me, I need a friend who understands that and helps me try to win, yet you are always so lazy! I guess you aren't that friend! You are never good enough when we play, I hate having you on my team.” He spat angrily, he then turned and marched off and over to Taemin to sulk, leaving a sad and guilty Leader behind him...

_End of Flashback_

 

 

As the memory replayed in his mind like a film, his hands clenched harder and harder on his hair until it hurt him, yet he knew it was nothing compared to what he had made his Leader feel when he rejected him and was rude to him. Onew was so kind to him – to all of them, yet he had brushed him aside like rubbish. It was true, he had been angry that day but he should have thought about the consequences of his words before saying them. He knew he often spoke without thinking but he didn't know that it could cause this kind of damage. He could see he had scarred Onew with his words and he was willing to work as hard as he needed to, to help his Hyung realise how much they really did care for him. However Onew's nightmares didn't stop there. Still he continued to mumble to himself and apologise for sins he didn't commit.

“Taemin, I'm sorry... I wasn't a good enough Hyung and role model… and I wasn't there… when you needed me… Forgive me Taemin… I treated you like a child.” Taemin's body tensed up and gripped his Hyung's hand firmer as he thought about the terrible lies he had forced upon his poor Leader.

 

 

_Taemin's Flashback_

… It was just after a long dance rehearsal at the studio and Jonghyun, Key and Minho had gone off to cool down and get drinks. Onew, thinking they had all gone, came into the studio to collect their stuff but was surprised to find the maknae still dancing powerfully. He was still trying to perfect one of his harder moves but Onew could see the sweat pouring off him and the exhaustion in his eyes. Onew stepped over to the dance machine and placed a hand on his damp shoulder, at first he was startled but then quickly calmed after recognising his leader, then he remembered what his Hyungs told him to do if Onew approached him.

“What did you want?” he asked in a slightly annoyed voice. Onew was sad at the tone but tried to convince himself it was just from Taemin's exhaustion from all the dancing.

“I think you have danced enough, lets take a break, arasso?” Taemin knew he was just being kind but then he thought about how he won't be there in a few weeks. He roughly shoved his Hyung's hand from his shoulder and turned back to the mirror,

“I have to work on this” Onew just didn't give up

“Come on, you can work on it later, why don't we go play outside together?” Taemin just turned to him and scoffed,

“Play? You want me to stop working to come and play? I'm not a child anymore Onew but you are always treating me like one, I don't want to play your silly games. In fact it looks like I don't need you at all.” He performed the dance move a few times over in silence before continuing “Dancing is one of the things I feel truly great at, yet you don't let me try and improve. If you really cared about me you would encourage me to strive to be better but instead you want me to start slacking off. What kind of role model are you?” Onew was stunned into silence

“Taemin-ah...” Taemin cut him off and stepped away from him.

“Whatever, I'm going to find Minho Hyung.” Then the cold maknae stormed away leaving a very hurt and wounded Onew in his wake…

_End of Flashback_

 

 

By now the tears were really falling down his cheeks as he pressed his forehead down on his Hyung's hand which was in his own and resting on the hospital covers. He had known all along what he was doing was wrong, he knew that no matter what Onew Hyung had done or would do, it was wrong to abuse him in that way both physically and mentally, especially considering that to all of them he was their Hyung. They were supposed to show respect and follow his orders, but instead they had spat on his kindness and ignored his very existence. They didn't deserve him and he deserved so much better than they had ever offer him. He knew it was wrong yet he had done it anyway which made it even worse, the fact that he knew and understood. If he had done the right thing he would heave refused to do it and explain why to his Hyungs. He needed to learn not to just follow whatever others said and in doing so lose the definition of right and wrong. He had been wrong but he wanted to put it right and he would do whatever it took.

For a while after that, Onew seemed to calm down a little and his words were reduced to whispers they couldn't even make out. That was until suddenly he started to twist and turn and he seemed to become so much more panicked. The others quickly surrounded him and tried to wake him but as the doctor had said, it was like most of his body was paralysed, not responding to anything they said or did. They could only sit back and listen to his pleads to the dark. Now Jonghyun had his turn.

“J… Jonghyun… Please forgive me for making you guys suffer… Please don't hate me… please… I need you… please don't leave me… I'm sorry” Onew started to sob in his sleep but he wasn't the only one in tears, “I'll do anything… just please… don't leave me… I can do better, I promise… No… I won't make you hurt anymore… I beg you… give me another chance.” Jonghyun hated to hear his Leader beg him like that when he knew it was all his fault. The guilt was already so much on his shoulders that he felt he might collapse any minute. He remembered all those times he told Onew he wasn't good enough.

 

 

_Jonghyun's Flashback_

… They were in the middle of a powerful rehearsal together when Onew's sangtae couldn't stop making unwanted appearances which were annoying all the other members. At one point Onew managed to trip over thin air and went flying into Minho and Key, knocking them both to the ground. Taemin immediately ran over to his boyfriend and Umma to check if they were ok but as he was about to turn to his Leader, he found Jonghyun had already taken him to the side but they could still hear every word he said.

“Onew, seriously! Are you doing this on purpose to frustrate us? Why do you keep messing up? We need to do a good rehearsal if we don't want our comeback to be pushed to a later date! Is that what you want or are you just so clumsy because you don't work hard enough?” He practically shouted in his Leader's face. Even though Onew was the Leader, he often had his power taken by Jonghyun because he never liked to anger them and he didn't like to fight so he just let them shout at him.

“Mianhae, Jonghyun. I'm not doing it deliberately, I guess I'm just having a bad day.” he said in a quiet voice.

“Maybe you should just sit out for the rest of the rehearsal, we need to get on” Jonghyun retaliated..

“Ani, please, Jonghyun. I can do better and I will. Please just give me another chance”

“Ugh, fine. But don't mess up again. Sometimes I wonder if you are even good enough to be our Leader.” he mumbled the last part and they all just got back into position and from that point onwards in rehearsals, they never said another unnecessary word to each other…

_End of Flashback_

 

 

Jonghyun let his back slam against the wall as he slid down it, crumpling on the floor and wrapping his arms around his knees. He laid his head on his knees and let the guilt consume him. He regretted every word that had left his mouth but he couldn't take them back: he could only hope Onew would forgive him when he woke up. But there was still one memory that stuck out amongst all the rest. He couldn't stop thinking about how he had treated Onew just before he ran into the storm; Jonghyun could still hardly believe he had used that kind of physical violence against someone, and not just anyone – but against his own Leader, Onew.

Of all people, why him?

Onew was the most kind hearted and selfless person he knew, he had willingly sacrificed so much for him and the others and after all that, this was the way they repaid him? Onew was now lying in a hospital bed, unconscious and unable to escape nightmares that they had put there. They might as well have been the haters who attacked him, for all the pain they had inflicted upon him. Jonghyun dreaded to think what could have happened if Taemin hadn't thought of checking the park.

 

Eventually Onew calmed down and stopped moving altogether and his breathing returned to a steady pace. The others could only look on as they felt the sadness and guilt weighing down their hearts. So many bad things had happened to him in such a short period of time and all because of a misheard conversation. They had never made a mistake this big before and this time Onew wasn't there to clean it up. They all prayed Onew would wake up soon. But there was one thing they were all silently wishing for: they all wished they could put a stop to their poor Leader's nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arasso, so this was probably the longest chapter so far. (i know it still isn't even that long but i tend to prefer writing shorter chapters anyway, sorry if that isn't your style though)  
> Please feel free to subscribe, bookmark or comment, i really appreciate your support. :)  
> I will update when i can ^_^  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	13. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Onew returns to his members

 

Days passed and the members were becoming more and more worn out and shattered, both physically and emotionally. They were trying as hard as they could to hold themselves together with each others help but they couldn't stop the pieces which just kept breaking as the weary days went on. Onew's nightmares had appeared often in those passing days and every time they did, the others would be there to try and comfort him as best they could. Taemin would sit by the bed and hold his hand, whispering apologies and sweet nothings into his ear softly. Key would always gently play with his hair and graze his hand soothingly across his face just like any Umma would to help banish their child's bad dreams, and Jonghyun and Minho did whatever they could to calm their poor Leader down when his visions took over. They hated to see him in so much pain and suffering but they didn't know what else they could do.

 

 

One afternoon, they were just in the ward, an uncomfortable silence hung around them. Key and Taemin were still positioned around the bed, Jonghyun was pacing back and forth at the end of the room, and Minho was sitting in his corner, head bent in prayer for Onew. Key looked down at his Leader's face, it was pale and he could see Onew's face was slimming and his jaw and cheekbones were now much more pronounced. He was very worried about Onew now and he knew when he woke up, he would willingly cook him all the chicken in the world if that was what he wanted.

 

Key missed Onew so much; all of them did. He missed his jokes and sangtae, he missed the way he could never fail to put a smile on his face, no matter how bad he was feeling, he missed the way he would always listen to whatever he needed to say, but what he mostly missed was just him always being there for them, through thick and thin, no matter what mistakes they made, he would always forgive them and help them on the right track.  
But what they had done to him was, to him unforgivable.  
They had broke him and they didn't know how to fix it.

 

Onew would never tell anyone if he was sad or being misused in case they would leave him, now he probably wouldn't even tell anyone about how they were abusing him for fear they would hate him too. Onew just had some trust issues and was very fragile and insecure, and with how they had been treating him and after finding out briefly about his past, Key didn't blame him. None of them throughout the whole time they had been SHINee together, had tried to get through to Onew and really give the effort to break down his walls and be what he had been to them ever since they first met. Everyone needs someone to turn to, they had Onew. Who did Onew have? All these thoughts were racing round his head as he gently stroked his Hyung's face.

 

 

Suddenly, Onew's face contorted under his fingertips. Key saw this and was worried it was another nightmare but then he spotted Taemin suddenly looked up then to his hand which was firmly grasping his Leader's. Key looked down too and saw Onew's fingers twitching as he returned the tight grip Taemin had on him. Taemin and his Umma's eyes met for a second but that was long enough for the message to pass between them before Key called out.

“Jonghyun, Minho. Come here. I think Onew might be waking up!” He called and immediately they ran over to the bed. Onew was now gripping Taemin's hand back rather than lying limply and it had these last days and his breathing became more erratic. Taemin started to call out,

“Hyung... Hyung? Can you hear me? Hyung, please. We need you, please come back to us!” He called loudly, hoping to get through and help bring his Leader back to them after the terrible wait.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Onew's eyes started to crack open, fluttering as he was still unused to the bright lights of the hospital. All the members sighed with relief as they saw their Hyung open his large doe-like eyes and Taemin and Key already had tear tracks down their cheeks. Onew still seemed disorientated but then again, who wouldn't after coming round in a bright room to the same people he left to bring them happiness. He looked around with wide eyes and confusion written on his thin features.

“Thank God!” Minho said, “Hyung, Welcome Back!” He breathed with relief to the still confused Leader.

 

 

Jonghyun got up and immediately slammed his hand onto the emergency call button, calling for the nurses and doctors to come and check on Onew. Minho, again whipped out his phone and called Manager to come,

“Manager, He's awake. Please come.” he said before hanging up.

Soon the Doctors arrived and they explained the situation. They were then hurried out of the ward to wait outside so they would have some privacy. Key did not want to leave his Leader's side and Taemin was still holding onto his hand firmly, so Minho and Jonghyun came over and bundled their boyfriends into their arms and lead the distraught boys out into the corridor to await the doctors answers. They were so relieved Onew was finally waking up, yet they knew the hardest part was yet to come, and they had a lot of explaining to do.

 


	14. Fear

Taemin, Minho, Key and Jonghyun were all very nervous as they stood, hovering around on the other side of the door from Onew, where he was still in his ward. The doctors had told them Onew was finally fully awake from his coma but had gone again as soon as the check ups were done. He was no longer in his coma state, but sleeping peacefully as his body was still exhausted. They remembered back to what Manager had talked to them earlier about while the doctors were checking him over.

 

  ** _Flashback_**

  
“Onew is going to be very fragile now and he will be very scared of you and your reactions so try and stay as calm as possible around him. This is also why I don't think you should apologise just yet” He could see the questions and arguments in their eyes so he quickly explained “Right now he needs time to get over his fears and calm down before he would even be able to comprehend your apology, remember he still blames everything on himself” The members had nodded and continued to wait for the doctors to come out of room 465 and allow them to see him.

**_End of Flashback_ **

 

 

Key looked around at his other members as they all waited for someone else to take that step forwards and open the door. Taemin looked so delicate as the single silent tears fell from his red eyes and his arms wrapped around his waist. Minho was trying his hardest to be cool and collected for the others but Key could see him crumbling before his very eyes. Then, Jonghyun: he looked ready to drop to his knees. He was white as a ghost as he thought of the conversation they would have to now endure. If only they could turn back time. Key took a deep breath and stepped forwards, bringing his arm up to gently push open the door leading into the room which concealed their poor but recovering leader.

 

On the other side of the door, Onew lay on the bed, fast in sleep or at least that was what it looked like. The rest of the room was, as expected, exactly the same except for the heart rate monitor had been currently removed and was placed along the wall on the opposite side of the room. They all walked slowly towards their Leader's bed and crowded round it. Key leaned forward and brushed a piece of his shoulder length hair behind his ear and ever so gently pressed his lips to his forehead. When he pulled back, the members saw Onew's eyes flicker open very slowly, blinking hard as he tried to focus around the blinding lights of the hospital. His eyes adjusted and he was shocked when he was met with the smiling yet worried faces of his ex-band mates.

“Hyung, we are so glad you're safe.” Onew only stared with wide eyes before his brain finally caught up and his instincts started screaming at him to get out. Then suddenly everything came flooding back: their harsh treatment, when he fled from them, running through the cold and the ran, then the haters turning up and beating him up. Everything replayed in his mind and he realised he had to go right now.

“Mianhae, I shouldn't be here... I have to go... I promised I wouldn't bother you anymore... Mianhae... Mianhae” he kept repeating while he tried to push himself off the bed but instead he found his legs couldn't hold his weight after breaking his ankle and the exhaustion his body had been objected to, and down he fell; collapsing completely on the floor at his member's feet. Immediately, they rushed to his side and Minho scooped him up and quickly put him back on the bed, Onew was presently in too much pain and too exhausted to fight back.

“Hyung, please relax, it's alright.” Key said, trying not to fuss over him too much as he was still so confused. After the wave of pain cleared, Onew focused again but he still had the urge to run but after his last attempt he knew he couldn't go anywhere. How did he end up in the hospital though? How did they find him? And Why? Why did they care what happened to him? His mind was full of questions and he had no idea what to do.

 

 

Then Onew suddenly remembered his backpack, but more importantly: his diary. He looked around then mumbled quietly to himself,

“Where is my diary? I need it” but he was surprised when Taemin pulled it from behind him and handed it over, Onew hesitantly reached out for it but then he heard the words he had been dreading,

“Mianhae, Hyung, we sort of read it” Taemin's voice was laced with guilt but Onew didn't hear. He looked panicked as his eyes darted around the room, then he started to curl in on himself and shied away from his members in fear. 

“Please, I'm sorry I wrote such bad stuff about you. Don't hit me, please. Forgive me; I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again, Mianhae” he seemed so terrified, and his fellow members were shocked and horrified that their leader thought they might hit him just because he wrote down the truth and how it hurt him. They were expecting to have to apologise to him, but yet again Onew turned it around so it looked like he was the one to blame.

 

 

Taemin couldn't stand to see his leader in this state, so shoving the book in Minho's general direction, he went straight over to his side and grabbed his hand. Onew flinched instinctively; expecting pain, then tried his hardest to freeze any movement, he knew better than to move away from a punishment he was sure was to come, but the expected impact, whether physical or words, never came.

“Shhh, Onew Hyung. Please stop. It's ok, you're ok. We aren't angry.” Onew looked up surprised, then Taemin turned to Jonghyun and said “Right, Hyung?”, knowing as the eldest, Onew would respond best to his reaction. He didn't disappoint him, he stepped forwards immediately. 

“Absolutely not! And don't you ever think we would ever hit you Hyung. You are our leader and we listen to you, you should be the one disciplining us, not the other way around.” the others nodded in agreement before he carried on, “You only wrote your feelings Hyung, that is nothing to be ashamed of, you have the right to your own opinion.” But Onew's expression was still clouded with doubt and questions.

“But Jonghyun-goon you didn't like reading what I wrote? Did you feel angry” he asked and Jonghyun inwardly cringed at the term Jonghyun-goon, it was so less personal and he knew his relationship with Onew had been disfigured. As much as he wanted to though, he couldn't lie with his next words.

“I admit, no. I didn't like what you wrote, and yes I did feel anger”

“Then may I ask why you haven't lashed out yet? Or at least why you didn't tell me it was wrong. It upset you which isn't good behaviour on my part.” he said but Jonghyun wasn't ready to back down, he wouldn't allow his leader to suffer these false accusations he had placed upon himself and these expectations of violence from them. They would never strike him, no matter how much he upset them. He had a heart of gold but they had abused him both physically and mentally so much that he had been reduced to a scared little boy, surrounded by bullies and wanting nothing more than to be in his Umma's embrace.

 

“It wasn't the fact you wrote this down that made me upset. It was the fact that I knew every last word you have written was true. We were terrible to you and I was angry at myself for making a person like you suffer so much on your own.” Onew was still so scared and confused but he gradually started to relax a little and uncurled himself enough that the others could see his face.

“There you go, Hyung” Minho said in a calming and reassuring voice, “You gave us a bit of a fright” He had only meant it as a side comment, he didn't anticipate the reaction he received from his Leader at his words. Tears started to roll down his cheeks and again he pushed himself out of the bed, the others were not fast enough to stop him before they couldn't interfere for fear of hurting him. Once he was out of the bed he fell to his knees again, but this time it was not an accident. He fell directly at the feet of his members and started to apologise for wrongs he hadn't done and beg them for forgiveness.

“Mianhae, Mianhae SHINee. I'm so sorry for making you worry. I know I'm not your leader anymore so I have no right to make you worry. As soon as I can, I will leave so you won't have to see me again. Please forgive me. Mianhae, I can never apologise enough for what I did to you, you deserve so much better than me. I know I will never deserve your forgiveness, but being so selfish, I'll beg for it anyway. I'm sorry I was selfish and lazy, I should have thought more about you. Please forgive me, I'll do anything!” He started to sob at their feet and they all immediately dropped to their own knees beside him. They were killing themselves on the inside when they saw what their words and actions had done to him, how could they do something like this to someone so undeserving and loving? They were in such a sticky situation and they had no clue how to fix it. They quickly got him into the bed again and tried their hardest to control his emotional break down. Their hearts broke at the sight in front of them.

“Please Hyung, rest.” Key tried to convince him, yet still he fought them.

“Ani, I have to leave” Jonghyun spoke up with conviction, hoping Onew would listen:

“Onew you are not going anywhere. You just stay there and recover until Manager gets here” he said and Onew foze, stopped all movement and stayed still when he heard his tone.

 

 _“I bet he is coming to officially kick me out of SHINee. He must be so mad!”_ Onew thought sadly. He knew he had no right to remain their leader but it still felt sad to know it would be over. So all he could do was sit there while they all waited with heavy hearts for the only man they knew might be able to help fix all this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry about taking so long to update, i've been a bit busy.  
> Yes, i know this chapter is short but i have decided that that is probably how most of my chapters will be from now on anyway. I am used to writing in a different style and structure so i hope you can accept this and continue reading my story ^_^ Kamshamanida!  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	15. Forgive us?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The members ask for their leader's forgiveness after all that has passed between them...

 

Soon after, Manager arrived at the hospital and was immediately met by Taemin, Minho and Jonghyun, all with worried expressions plastered to their faces.

“Manager, we need your help, please!” Minho said straight away before Taemin took over, his tone just as helpless,

“Key is still with Hyung but he won't listen to us. He won't believe it isn't his fault!” Jonghyun just remained silent, he didn't know what to say, he felt most to blame and he didn't have any idea what to do, he had never felt so ashamed of himself and helpless.

Manager just watched with sad eyes. He knew this would be difficult and not something that will be solved overnight. Onew had been emotionally scarred and not just by what had put him in the hospital but the build up of his past as well as the last 3 weeks had all become too much and Onew's façade was finally starting to crumble completely. Manager just followed them back up to Onew's ward and when they arrived they found Onew shying away from Key who was still trying to calm him. When Onew looked up when he heard the door open, he visible froze and curled in on himself a little, again when he saw his Manager. Their Manager's heart hurt when he saw Onew like this and trying to hide himself from him. He hated to see his members hurting but Onew had always been special to him and to see him in this weak and vulnerable state was heartbreaking to witness. Key quickly left Onew's side and came straight to their Manager

“I've been trying to calm him but he won't listen to me, Mianhae.” He said quietly and Manager could see that Onew's reactions to them were taking it's toll on him as well. He nodded and gripped the Diva's shoulder tightly,

“It's alright, you did your best, Kamsahamnida. I'll try and talk to him, could you please give us a few minutes?” Key just nodded and left the room, followed closely by the others.

 

 

Once Onew realised he was going to be left alone with his Manager, he began to panic on the inside.

 _“The others must have told him what I did to them and how much I had hurt them”_ Onew thought.

He knew that after all the suffering he had caused the other members, he would have to receive some form of punishment but he was still so scared of pain. He had received so much of it throughout his short life and he had hoped by then he would have become used to it, but it still felt as bad as it did all those years ago when the abuse had started from his father. He didn't know what to do, if he should get on his knees again and apologise again or if he should just sit still and be as silent as he could, he chose the latter for now. He stayed all movement and kept his eyes downcast. Manager recognised the subservient posture and sighed quietly and started to walk towards his hospital bed. When he was standing at the foot of the bed he paused before he spoke.

“Onew. Onew look at me, please” he said, his voice firm but gentle. Onew hesitantly lifted his beautiful eyes from his lap to meet his Manager's own caring ones. He was not met with anger or loathing, just caring eyes that tried to show how much he still cared about the poor boy in front of him.  
“Onew, don't hide from me” he said and all Onew could reply with was,

“Mianhae Sir” he said, still trying to stop himself from shrinking into himself.

“Onew, that is the thing. You have nothing, absolutely nothing to apologise for. You have done nothing wrong” He reached out to place his hand on his shoulder but Onew instinctively flinched away before realising his mistake,

“Mianhae, Mianhae, Sir...” he kept repeating.

“Stop” Manager said with a firm tone. He wasn't shouting or being angry, he just knew that Onew responded well to him when he used his authority in these situations. “Stop, Onew, that's enough. It's not your fault.” Onew just couldn't hold back when he next said,

 

“But it is Sir! I've hurt your members so much over the past few weeks and I was never a good enough leader for them. They need someone better than me and I don't deserve to be with them after what I did. I'm so so sorry Sir for what I have done and I will accept any punishment you see fit before I leave.” Onew bowed his head again and waited for whatever was to come. Manager just looked down at the poor boy and was both sad and worried. He hated when he heard him detach his bonds with both him and his other members, as if he was no longer part of SHINee. He also was worried by how insecure he really was, he knew he was affected by his past but he never realised just how much he had been successfully hiding.

 

“Onew, look at me” again he made the boy make eye contact and he made sure it didn't break when he next said, “Onew, I am the same person I was on your Birthday, the same person I was when you last came to my office to ask permission to leave for a few days and I am the same person I was ever since your debut. In that time I have never once abused my power over you. In that time have I ever, used or threatened to use violence against you or the other members?” Onew could only shake his head but Manager cut across him before he could try and answer back, “And in that time I have never, ever asked you to use formal language with me so why are you now using the name Sir? To you I have always been either Manager or Hyung, you don't need to suddenly change.”

“Mianhae Sir, if I have been disrespectful” he said again but Manager wouldn't give up, he was determined to help Onew through what he was going through.

“Onew, throughout the whole time I have known you, you have never been anything other than respectful to me and I thank you for that. I also want you to know that I would never, ever even think of replacing you. Do you understand me? Never! You think the others deserve better? There is no better for them to deserve, they have the most caring, loving and generous Hyung and Leader they could hope for. They are so lucky to have you and it is true they don't always tell you, but they care for you so much Onew, they really do love you.”

“Sir?” Onew said, confused.

“They are our there now, guilt laden because they feel so bad for you getting hurt and are blaming themselves. They need you to help them, they need a leader and you are the one they want. I know you have always loved them, it is clear from how much you do for them so why don't you let them return the favour. Listen to what they have to say and realise that you aren't the one to blame, Arasso? Will you do that for me? Please?” Onew could only nod with confusion as he listened to his Manager speak. He felt calmer now since their talk and he was not so scared of the men around him, he was finally ready to listen to his dongsaengs. There was finally hope that everything might just end well.

 

 

Manager went out to talk to the others. As soon as the door was closed, he was bombarded with questions,

“Is he alright?”

“What happened?”

“Will he listen to us?”

“What did he say?”

Manager just held his had up for silence and they all quietened. He recounted in brief what had happened and explained that Onew might be able to accept their apologies now but reminded them to take it slow and if he wasn't ready then they would just have to wait. They nodded and accepted what he said. They were happy he might finally listen to them but they knew that after what he must have gone through, it wouldn't be easy. Jonghyun knocked on the door and entered after he heard a quiet:

“Come in” from their timid leader. The others followed the second eldest into the ward and they prayed he would accept them. They really needed to rid themselves of the guilt that was hurting them so much, it was becoming impossible to bear and they were all so close to collapsing. When they entered, they were glad to see that Onew's expression was no longer on of terror but now more of confusion still laced with guilt. When they moved closer, they lined themselves next to each other with Jonghyun standing a little in front.

 

“Onew, we wanted to talk to you. I know you must be really confused now but we really would appreciate it if you allowed us to get this off our chests.” He said and the others nodded behind him.

“Of course.” Onew replied, “I understand if you want to get rid of some of your anger, feel free to shout. I know I hurt you a lot so I'm sure there must be some pent up aggression. Like I have said before, it isn't good for you to keep things inside and let them build up, just let it out” He said. How he reacted was just another sign to the rest of SHINee of how much he cared about them, even when he thought they would yell at him, he was still concerned about their well fair. Taemin stepped forwards a little,

“Hyung, please don't think it would be acceptable for us to ever yell at you. We already made that mistake once and we all feel really terrible about it. Please Hyung, don't worry so much about us, we want to take care of you – like we should have done from the very beginning.” Onew wanted so much to fully accept the words of the maknae but he didn't know how. He was still clinging onto the belief it was his fault and he didn't know how to let go.

“Mianhae, dongsaengs. I'm not doing a good job in taking care of you and now I'm making you take responsibility for me, Mianhae so much!” Jonghyun just cut across his Leader again, before he could berate himself any further.

“Ani, Hyung. Please just hear us out” Jonghyun said with conviction in his voice and Onew quickly shut his mouth and nodded.

 

Jonghyun looked to the others either side of him and nodded to them, looking back to Onew. Then with Jonghyun leading, they all dropped to their knees and bowed to him, their foreheads practically touching the floor. When they pulled back up so they were resting on their heels, they could see Onew's confusion. He wanted to go over to them and help them off the floor: he didn't feel it was right for them to kneel before him as he still felt so unworthy to even be in the same room as them. Yet he said he would hear them out and Onew always keeps his promises.

“Hyung, we owe you so much. You do everything in your power to help us, listen to us and care for us. But we have done so many bad things against you. We were wrong and we hurt you so badly we put you in a hospital. You have always been so forgiving for our mistakes but this time we need you to see how sorry we are. We know how you feel about yourself, but Hyung, you couldn't be more wrong. We are the ones who don't, and never will, deserve you. You are too good for us and still we have treated you like rubbish. We need you but we have never been grateful when you were there. Hyung we have wronged you and we beg your forgiveness. What I am asking is... Hyung, can you forgive us?”


	16. Enough For Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew makes a compromise...

 

They were still on their knees, heads bowed as they awaited their Leader's answer but Onew was still so confused and worried about them to properly answer their question. However, he could see they were being weighed down by so much, he wanted nothing other than to be able to lift it from their shoulders like he used to, even if it meant he had even more to carry on his own.

 

“Please, guys... Stand up, please” he said quietly, he hated to see people kneel in such a vulnerable position just for him, especially if it was his beloved members. Hearing his voice, Taemin, Key and Minho rose from the floor and stood straight, still respectful but at least Onew felt better that they were at he same height, if not higher in Minho's case. Jonghyun, however, who had been the most affected by the guilt, remained on his knees and didn't even raise his head. Onew knew how much he was struggling, he could see and feel it, and it was killing him.

 

“Key” Key's head immediately snapped over to his Hyung's and came forwards,

“Hyung?” he asked and Onew replied,

“Help me up” he asked quietly. Key was about to argue but before he could, Onew motioned to the floor where Jonghyun was still kneeling and said,  
“Key... Please.” Key merely nodded silently, and carefully helped his Leader to his feet. Onew lent on him while trying his best to walk on his bruised leg and the cast on his other. Together they made their way over to Jonghyun who still had not looked up from the floor. With Key's help, Onew lowered himself onto his knees in front of the lead vocalist and placed his hand under his chin, gently guiding his face to his. Tears glistened in his eyes and he looked like a little lost puppy.

  

“Hyung, I am so so sorry, I don't deserve you but I still really need you”

Jonghyun was quietly sobbing, trying his hardest to stop his shoulders from shaking. Onew had seen this many times before: Jonghyun always tried to stay the tough guy if he could but he wasn't great at handling strong emotions, he tried to hide but he needed to just let go. Onew was always there to help him through the break down and was there to pick up the pieces left over and rebuild him into an even stronger man than he was before. Onew wanted to take all his pain away and take it on himself but in this situation the others wouldn't let him.

Onew just looked into Jonghyun's face and he gently caressed the side of his jaw and cheek with the back of his hand, like he used to when he talked with him about his problems. He had told him before about little things his parents would do for him and that was one of them. Onew had learned over the time since their debut about little things which made his members feel better or more cared for. By stroking his face, Onew knew he could help calm Jonghyun and show him he did still care about him. Jonghyun was so afraid his Leader would hate him now, but he couldn't be more wrong. Instead Onew tightly gripped his shoulder and said,

 

“Jonghyun. You are a strong man! I have told you this many times and I will tell you a thousand more if it will help you remember it. I couldn't hope for a better second Hyung for this group and you have taken charge while I was here. I am so proud of you and of all of you, you are the best members and friends I have ever had or could ever hope for. But I will not say: I forgive you, because I still don't think you did anything wrong. Give me some time and I promise I will wrap my head around this eventually, but please don't do this to yourselves. It hurts me so much to see you hurting, it is unexplainable and indescribable. But this I promise you, you have no reason to feel guilty, so please try to let it go. I'm not angry or upset with you, so cheer up, arasso?”

 

Jonghyun just looked up at his Hyung, searching his eyes for the honesty he hoped he would find, and he did. There was nothing but genuine care in his eyes. Jonghyun brought up his hands and roughly rubbed his eyes with his fist but Onew caught his hand,

“Don't. You'll hurt yourself. It's ok, you have always been able to cry around me, nothing has changed.”

Jonghyun just nodded again and took a few deep breaths to steady his breathing until it returned to normal. When Jonghyun looked up from his lap again, Onew could see what he needed. He leaned forwards and scooped him into his arms and held him securely and comfortingly. Jonghyun immediately melted into his embrace and they stayed like that for a few minutes while they both just relished the contact they had been deprived of for so long. When they finally pulled away they were smiling, they were small smiles but smiles non the less.

  

Key was about to bend down to help Onew off the floor before Jonghyun motioned with his hand and said,

“It's ok, I got this” He wrapped his strong arms around the thin body of his Hyung. Once he was on his feet, Onew smiled gratefully at him, then he suddenly saw the cheeky grin on the Dino's face. In a flash, Jonghyun had swept him off his feet and was carrying him bridal style back to the bed.

“Hey, Dino Boy. Watch it!” Onew tried to pout but ended up only laughed and the others joined in, the atmosphere was so much more light hearted and they all felt better for it. Once he was back in bed and securely wrapped up with the help of Key Umma, Onew looked back to his dongsaengs and smiled contently but there was something else in his expression, like a trace of guilt.

“Guys, Mianhae if I haven't given you what you wanted. I know I still haven't properly accepted your apology or answered your question” he said sadly but the others just smiled back, this was more progress than they could have hoped for. They were starting to get their old leader back and he wasn't terrified of them any-more, he was even joking with them!

“Ani, Hyung You have already done so much for us, Kamsahamnida” Minho said,

“Ne, Hyung, you've given us a second chance and that is more than we could have hoped for!” Taemin said in his adorable tone, Onew couldn't help but smile back at his beaming maknae,

“We understand Hyung, if it takes you a while to understand what we mean. You have been through so much yet you still worry about us!” Key said kindly.

“Hyung. Please take your time and don't stress. As the others have said, you have given us so much more than we deserve and could have hoped for. You're the best leader we could ever have. This second chance means so much to all of us. Even if you can't forgive us yet, it's enough for now.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arasso, so another short chapter for you. I hope you liked it. I only just got back from a New York holiday so i haven't been able to update, mianhae. I hope this has made it up to you ^_^  
> Kamsahamnida to everyone for supporting me and i will try to update as soon as i can,  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	17. Manager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SHINee's Manager has a chat with their injured and frightened leader

 

They were all smiling with each other when suddenly the door was opened and the figure of their Manager stepped through it. A small flash of nerves spiked Onew and showed on his face, before he quickly rid them from him after he remembered the talk between them. He understood, even if only a little, that his Manager wouldn't hurt him. He walked towards them, with a smile on his face; he could tell what had happened by the looks on his members faces. When they were side by side he grasped his member's shoulders. They all seemed so much happier again.

“Now guys, lets all be friends and happier from now on, arasso?” the others all nodded enthusiastically.

Their Manager could see them practically glowing and it warmed his heart. He was only their Manager but the connection they shared was closer than family and he felt so happy seeing all of the members getting along again. Onew was gazing around at his dongsaengs as well, but then he noticed something. All of them had bags under their eyes and Jonghyun looked like he was about to fall over, but they were trying to disguise their exhaustion so he wouldn't worry.

“Guys, when was the last time you slept?” He asked. The sudden question shocked them a little, before guilt covered their faces. None of them could make eye contact.

“I told you to take care of yourselves while I was gone, didn't I?” Manager asked as he too looked them up and down, taking in their tired postures. “Go and rest!” he said in a caring but firm tone.

“But, Manager! We want to stay with Onew” Jonghyun said and the others nodded in agreement, before Onew spoke up in a quiet voice.

“Please dongsaengs, go and rest. I don't want you to be hurting because of me, I feel really guilty.” he bowed his head and the others immediately tried to convince him it wasn't his fault.

“Hyung, it's not your fault.”

“We just missed you, that's all.”

“Please don't blame yourself!”

“We'll go rest Hyung, will you be OK on your own?” They asked, but Manager just smiled at them.

“It's alright guys. I'll stay here for a little while, while you go and rest, I had to talk with him about something else anyway.” He said. The others just nodded and after bowing to both their Manager and Leader, they excited the room and went to go and rest for a while.

 

Once the others had left, Manager turned back to Onew and smiled kindly at him. He was so glad he seemed to be feeling better, but he could see that not all his walls had been broken down yet, and he knew that would take time. He came closer to the bad and placed his arm gently on his shoulder and asked,

“Are you really ok now, Onew?” Onew thought for a moment.

“I don't feel so scared anymore but I know it will take time for me to really understand everything that is going on. Everything just seems so different to how I thought it was. In the past it was all about looking after the others but now they want to look after me and get closer to me, it's just so unnatural to me.” Manager nodded in understanding.

“I know it is Onew, and no-one is rushing you so take your time in thinking everything over, arasso?” This time Onew nodded in response.  
Manager sighed quietly as he remembered what he had come to talk to Onew about “I know you probably want to put this behind you but I really need to talk to you about something” his voice was solemn and after Onew nodded in confusion, he pulled up a chair beside the bed. “Onew, I need to know why you didn't come and talk to me about your problems the past month. You were always able to come to me before, I know you never told me everything and I respect your privacy but this is something I would have expected you to come to me about.” he said, worry in his tone. He needed to understand in case something like this were to ever happen again. Onew's eyes widened and guilt was plastered on his face.

“Mianhae, Hyung” he said with his head bowed, his eyes starting to gather water. He felt like everything he did, only caused pain or worry to someone he cared about and it was all his fault. Manager could see how fragile Onew had become and it severely worried him. He seemed like he would be blown away by the slightest breeze. He had lost so much weight, he seemed so breakable and his trust issues seemed even worse than before. He placed his hand back on Onew's shoulder, hoping to offer him some manly comfort.

“Onew. I'm not angry, just worried. Are you alright now?” Onew took a few breaths and nodded, “Will you tell me why? I need to understand why you felt you couldn't come to me.” Onew nodded before he spoke,

“Hyung, I'm so sorry. I just didn't want to become even more of a burden to you. You already do so much for me and have taken care of me so well since our debut, but all that time I have been nothing but trouble to you, I just didn't want to add on anything unnecessarily onto your plate. I didn't want to take advantage of your kindness and take it for granted. I didn't want to use you to selfishly stop my own pain when I could handle it myself. Mianhae, Hyung.” Onew said, his head always bowed, eyes cast upon his twisting hands in his lap.

 

Manager's eyes widened slightly at his confession. He knew he always placed his members before himself but even in this situation, Onew had been willing to take on all his pain and his work and expectations just so he didn't have to worry. Manager make sure Onew looked into his eyes for his next words. They were very important.

“Onew, please listen to me. You can come to me for anything, you understand? Anything. I promise you, no matter how insignificant it might be, I will always listen to your troubles, just like you do for the others. I want to be able to help you, the others would say the same, but the fact is, we are helpless if you don't tell us what worries you. So if you have problems you need to tell me, arasso?” Onew nodded but Manager could see he was still holding back his emotions, he was right at the edge, clinging on but he still couldn't trust that someone would catch him if he let go.  
“Onew. Don't bottle everything inside you. Don't be scared to open up to people, especially those dongsaengs who have been staying up to care for you. Let us help you, you've done so much for all of us already. Just because you're the Leader, doesn't mean you take on everyone's pain without any help for your own. Everyone needs someone Onew, for now let me be that person. Follow your own advice, you always tell the others not to contain their emotions and just let go. Now you can let go, I promise I am and always will be here to catch you.”

And with that Onew finally let everything he had bottled up and hidden away, flow through him. The tears ran down his face and the sobs racked his whole figure. Manager just looked on sympathetically and got up to sit on the edge of the bed and develop Onew in a strong hold. He melted into his arms and let the feeling of being protected wash over him while he cried.

 

Eventually, the tears subsided and the sobs stopped. Onew pulled back from the embrace and looked up into his Manager's eyes.

“Mianhae, I'm such a crybaby” he mumbled but Manager heard just fine.

“Onew it's like I always say: Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you have been strong for too long.” Onew just nodded and let the arms of his Manager embrace him tightly again. This time when they pulled back, Onew seemed to have regained control of himself and they seemed ready to carry on with the other part of the conversation Manager had planned.

“Onew. I know you have never told me all the details of your past, and I respect your privacy, but I also know your father wasn't a nice man, am I right?” Onew just nodded silently as memories washed over at the mention of that man. “You and I have always been close, right? I feel like we have a close connection and understanding.” Onew nodded in agreement but then he said something that shocked him, “How would you feel to having another Appa? A better one, one who will always be there for you, through thick and thin?” Onew gaped in shock before his mind registered what he was saying.

“What?” he asked, still confused.

“I could adopt you. I know your growing up and might not want it but if you do, you can become my son and I will love you and care for you as my real biological son. I promise I will be nothing like that thing that people refer to as your father. What do you think?”

 

A smile slowly spread itself across Onew's face as he finally took in what Manager was saying.

“You mean it Manager? Really?” he couldn't help but ask and in doing so he sounded like a little child how was told they were going to the candy store. Manager just chuckled before responding.

“If you want, then that is what will happen” Onew's face seemed to be all lit up like a star and he nodded.

“Oh yes, I would love it, Manager” he said and Manager added,

“Appa...”

“Appa!” He copied. Loving the way the word rolled off his tongue. He never called his biological dad 'Appa' because that was too informal, it was always 'Father' but it felt so right to call this man in front of him his Appa. Right then he had never felt so happy. He had always had Key to be his substitute Umma but now he actually had an Appa to take care of him, everything was getting just a little bit better.

 

Later that day, it was confirmed that as long as Mr Lee was placed under bed rest for a few days while he fully recovered, he could be discharged from the hospital – with a little persuasion from their Manager or Onew's new Appa. Onew was thrilled at the idea of leaving the hospital, he wanted to get back home as soon as possible. Most of his injuries had healed while he was still in his coma and thankfully the cut on his head was not deep enough to cause brain damage. He was waiting in the reception with Key, Taemin, Minho and Jonghyun, while Manager had gone to check him out of the hospital.

“So how does it feel to get out of the hospital?” Jonghyun asked,

“Really good actually, I just feel like once I get out, I might finally realise this is the truth and not some stupid dream I thought up.” he replied with a smile and the others smiled at him too.

“Are you sure you are feeling well enough though? You have to rest a lot, arasso?!?” Key nagged but Onew smiled in response.

“Ne, I'm feeling fine. In fact I'm so happy. I have the love of my dongsaengs back and now my Appa is here I can finally go home.”

“Wait, your Appa is here?” Key asked worriedly, they didn't know much about him but they knew he wasn't a nice man. Their eyes scanned around looking for the potential threat, they were worried his Father would try and take him from them, that wasn't happening. Onew realised what he had said and quickly recovered,

“Ani, not him. I meant my new Appa.” he said smiling as he relished the feeling as the word came out of his mouth again. The others looked confused until they heard a deep voice come from behind them,

“He means me” they spun around and gasped,

“Manager Hyung?” Jonghyun said, but Taemin just shook his head in amusement.

“Well, is that really such a shock to you, Hyung?” they all thought about it for a moment before smiles broke across their faces,

“Ani. I guess not.” Key chuckled. Manager then went around them to stand next to his new son and placed his arm around him.

“Onew, I just checked you out of the hospital and paid off the bill. We can go home now if you are ready?” Onew looked up at him and guilt quickly flashed across his face before leaving.

“Ne, Appa. Oh and I'll pay you back...” but Manager cut across him.

“Ani, Onew. You are my family now and I will pay for it, it's my job as your Appa, arasso?” Onew just smiled gratefully and bowed saying,

“Kamsahamnida Appa” he patted his son on the back and they all left the hospital and drove back to their dorm. Hoping to finally rebuild their life's and friendships. They still had a long way to go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! What do you think? This wasn't an originally planned chapter, i just added it in because i thought it was sweet! That was one of my favourite sayings, "Crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you've been strong for too long" i'm not sure where i first heard it but i use it all the time!!  
> Anyway, Mianhae for taking almost a month to upload, i was busy, but i hope you enjoyed this chapter!!! Kamsahamnida for your support!  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	18. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew begins his recovery back in the dorm and speaks to two of the members about what happened...

Onew talked to his other members a lot during his recovery. They would just sit beside him, keeping him company and they would just talk. Sometimes it would be about school, or their relationships or just any random thing they could think of. Onew was happy to listen and just share light hearted conversations again with his beloved members. It had been too long since they confided with him on personal matters or otherwise and he was enjoying the time they now spent together. He still had some trust issues and some things had changed in their relationships, but they were all still trying to rebuild and shape their close brotherly ties.

Onew's recovery was going better than expected; his ribs and ankle were slowly healing themselves, his shoulder which had been put back in the socket, was mending well and the bruising was going down. During his time in the paralysed state, his body had already started to heal itself so thankfully Onew had been able to skip most of the painful healing stages. Thankfully the gash to his head wasn't too serious and would mend in time, meanwhile Key and the others were on a mission to keep him well fed and rested. Onew never had a moment alone since he returned to the dorm and was under 24 hour watch and bed rest: Key's Orders. It was expected that in a few weeks Onew would be able to move around and leave bed rest, but he would still have to be constantly monitored in case anything happened. So for the mean time he always had someone to talk to.

 

Each member talked to Onew many times alone during his bed rest, and every time they noticed something new about their Leader. They had all agreed that none of them would ever abandon another like that ever again and had decided to really get to know Onew as not just their right or a tool, but as their real friend and a Leader they respected.  
At first Onew was surprised by their change towards them as they had never been this interested to get to know the real him, but after a while he started to just relax and enjoy talking to them about himself and not just about them. Since they could see that Onew needed time to think over what had happened between them over the last month, they agreed not to bring up the topic in front of him but made sure he knew he could bring it up whenever he wanted. They wanted Onew to be able to make the first move.

He had started to drop the formalities when talking to them as he seemed to have reverted back to using them during the first few days of being released, probably due to his concern that they might decide they were sick of him after all. He was now referring to them all by their own name but their pet names were no longer used. He never used Umma, Taeminnie, Minho-ah or Jjong: only their standard names, at first they were sad but they were still just so pleased he was willing to even talk to them after what they put him through.

One thing that had made a significant difference was his new Father/Son relationship with their Manager. He stopped by to talk to them at least once a day and he was already acting like a true father to him, Onew hadn't smiled so much in such a long time whenever his new Appa was around. He was always there to care for him, he never spoilt Onew, mostly because Onew wouldn't let him but he wanted to be a good and responsible Appa and not just someone who will pamper him. As a pop star he had had that more than enough already. He was there when he needed someone to talk to and to reassure him he was doing a good job, to be supportive and loving no matter what he did. And Onew thrived under his care.

 

One afternoon, Taemin was watching Onew sleep when suddenly he stirred. Ever since the hospital he had still been having bad dreams but thankfully they had been decreasing as the days went by. Taemin lent forwards and shushed his Leader while wiping his forehead with a damp cloth he had prepared. Eventually Onew's face relaxed but his eyelids flicked open rather suddenly, surprising the maknae.

“Hyung, are you alright? Did I wake you? Mianhae” he said as Onew tried to reposition himself on the sofa, where he had fallen asleep a few hours previously. Other than sleep and eat, Onew didn't seem to get up to much, not with his members all restricting his actions and any sudden movements were immediately reported to Key who struck fear into anyone who knew what he was capable of.

"Ani, Taemin. It's ok, I should probably wake up now anyway, Kamsahamnida.” Taemin nodded, relieved. He didn't want to make Onew upset as he was still so worried he would realise they weren't good enough for him and he would leave, he had no clue how wrong he was.

Even though they were all still talking to each other, they still couldn't see how vulnerable they all were towards each other. They could only hope that in time they would be able to repair themselves. Onew suddenly felt a wave of thirst crash over him and his hand went to his throat, so he was about to push himself up and go to get a drink but instead Taemin jumped to his feet and ran to the kitchen. Onew smiled at his caring and energetic maknae, so happy to see him again wanting to spend time with him. He had missed all of them in the 3 weeks that everything changed but Taemin's change had affected him the worst, even though he was the least cruel, the way he avoided even looking at him and his constant aura of disappointment had been enough to drive him mad.

Taemin told him to stay where he was and he would bring the drink to him but Onew felt the need to stretch his legs, if only for a little. His leg was not yet fully healed but he could still hobble around without having to lean on anyone now which was an accomplishment, still, he decided to get up. He walked his way over to the kitchen, where he saw the young boy leaning into the fridge, scanning. Then he saw as his eyes landed on the bottles of banana milk and Onew watched in amusement as his eyes widened and he licked his lips. He was just so adorable.

He chuckled to himself quietly but Taemin still heard and looked around to see Onew smiling at him. He blushed and looked down. Onew couldn't resist anymore and just reached out to pinch his cheeks. He then went around Taemin and grabbed a glass, filled it with water and placed it on the table, then he quickly grabbed a bottle of banana milk out of the fridge, pushing him gently to sit at the table, he stabbed the straw through the lid and handed the bottle to the maknae. Taemin looked up at his smiling hyung and felt a bit guilty,

“Hyung, I'm supposed to be caring for you but you always end up having to look after me! Mianhae, I'm not doing a very good job” he said with his head hung low. Onew only smiled warmly.

“Taemin, you are doing great. You are keeping me company and making me happy. Never apologise for making someone happy, arasso?!?” Taemin just nodded and smiled weakly.

“Ne, Hyung. It's just that...” he faded off. He knew they had agreed not to bring up that topic but it was hard. Onew could see what was troubling him but he knew it was always better to willingly voice your troubles first.

“Taemin, what is it? You know you can tell me anything” he said kindly and Taemin took a breath,

“It's just that, I feel like I can never do the right thing, and I always seem to be hurting you, Hyung.”

“Go on” he urged.

“Well I have always kept messing stuff up that you and the other Hyungs ask me to do, and when we decided to start being cold, I knew it was wrong but I still acted cruelly towards you, which I can tell hurt you a lot, and even now I can't even get you a drink without messing it up or you having to do it yourself.” He said, his tone laced with sadness and self disappointment.

“Taemin, no one is perfect, you understand that right?” he nodded “You know that right now off the top of my head, I could list 5 things I don't like about myself or things that I am bad at. But do you know what else I could do? Right now I could list 50 things that I love about you!  
You are so special but you hardly even realise it.  
Everyone messes up things now and again and there is nothing we can do about it, but one thing we can do, is stop stop dwelling on things that happened in the past. People forget these things, even if we hold onto them for years to come.  
And during those 3 weeks, you were right in thinking I was hurt by what happened, but I don't blame you and you were never cruel. You were grown up and distant, never cruel and I never would hold it against you. You knew it was wrong, but that just showed how caring you are, that you thought from the start, how this would affect my feelings. You succumbed to peer pressure but that isn't your fault.  
It's ok Taemin, see? Everything is fine. You don't mess everything up and you have so many gifts that you have blessed us with, so don't ever doubt yourself, arasso?!?”

Taemin took a deep breath to absorb all his Leader had told him and nodded. It had been a while since Onew had talked to him like this and he always knew exactly what to say to make him feel better. He brought the milk up to his lips and sucked on it more while Onew looked on with a smile on his face.

 

A few days later, Onew found himself home alone with Key. Key's relationship with him had been the hardest to fix because it had been the one that had changed so substantially. But they were both trying their hardest. Key was still killing himself on the inside for what he did to Onew but he knew that Onew would hate what he was doing to himself so he kept it hidden for when his Leader wasn't in the room. Key was now the one that was restricting Onew's freedom the most. The others would let him walk around the dorm if he wanted but Key kept him firmly in place, he was only doing it because he cared. So Onew found himself stuck on the living room sofa with blankets surrounding him while he watched Key cook him lunch in the kitchen.

“Five minutes Aeg... Hyung” he caught himself as he called. He wanted to call him his pet names again but he was worried that since Onew had stopped referring to him as Umma, that he didn't want him to be his Umma anymore.

“Kamsahamnida Key” he heard Onew call back.

He sighed quietly to himself, he missed his close relationship with his Leader. He missed being able to drag him around the shops and buy him clothes he didn't need, cooking him his favourite foods: Mainly Chicken!!! and also just being able to fuss over him like he used to. He hated that he had destroyed that when he made the decision for all of them to be distant. Jonghyun and Minho may have been the ones who overheard and reported back, but he was the one to convince the others. He felt so guilty. Still, he always had a smile on his face for Onew. He was starting to realise why Onew liked to hide himself away so he wouldn't trouble the others and it seemed he was starting to do it too. However he wasn't quite as good at hiding as Onew, he saw right through him and he decided it was time for them to talk about it.

Soon Key had finished cooking and brought through a plate of perfectly cooked chicken and some veggies on the side. Onew took it gratefully and watched as he pulled up a chair so Onew could remain lying down. Key just watched as Onew ate, noting how his eyes hardly ever left the plate except for a few times when he looked up to check if he was still there, he also noticed how every now and then Onew would either flick his head or bring his hand up to tuck his hair behind his ear of it was getting in the way. Key was just so transfixed by these small things and wondering how he hadn't even noticed them before now. He felt like a terrible friend.

 

Once Onew had finished, Key took the plate and took it back to the kitchen. Onew watched his retreating figure and wondered how to start the conversation, in the end he just decided to straight forward ask him. When Key was seated again beside the sofa, he asked suddenly,

“Key, are you alright?” Key looked up

“Hyung?” he asked surprised

“Key, I can read you like a book! I can see when you are hurting” Key just hung his head, he knew he had been discovered.

“Hyung, Mianhae” he said still looking down. Onew reached across and placed one hand on his shoulder and one gently nudging under his chin to make him look up. Once he did, Onew could only see guilt in his eyes, it hurt him to see his members this upset.

“Why are you sorry?” he asked.

“Because it's all my fault! It was all my idea in the beginning to be distant and now everyone is hurting because of me! Mianhae, Hyung. I'm so so sorry” he said, tears brimming in his eyes and he lowered his head again. But on the end he added in his mind

“And now you don't even want me as your umma anymore!” Onew just tightened his hand on Key's shoulder and again nudged his chin so he would look at him.

“You know what I think happened?” Key just shook his head sadly, “I think you were just a kind and caring person” it was simple but it got the reaction he was hoping for. Key looked into his eyes with confusion on his face. He was about to interrupt but his Leader cut across him. “You were trying to protect the others. That's all. You thought that if we still were close and I just up and left, the others would be even more emotionally scarred so you tried to ease their pain. You were protecting them, it isn't your fault. You never asked people to come and beat me up, you never told me to run through a storm at night, and you never have or ever could do anything to make me care about you any less.”

Key just sobbed a little at his words and then pulled himself together. Onew just patiently waited for him to be ready, his hand never leaving his shoulder. When Key had finally steeled himself, he let out a big sigh and wiped his tears away. When he was sure Key wouldn't break down anymore he let go of his shoulder. Key missed the contact but didn't say anything about it.

“Thank you, Hyung” is all he said.

“No problem, Key! You know you can always come to me about anything, arasso? I'll be here all week, literally with you on my back!” He joked and managed to make Key smile, if only slightly. He stood up and helped re-tuck Onew into the blankets, yet again and seeing Onew trying to position his head, he leaned over and plumped the pillow for him so he would be more comfortable. It was only a small thing but it meant a lot to both of them for Key to be so motherly towards Onew, but neither of them knew how much it meant to the other.

 

When he pulled away Onew could see Key was longing to hug him but he held himself back and turned away to busy himself with something – anything else. Onew smiled,

“Kamsahamnida Umma” he said happily. Suddenly Key stopped still and turned to look directly into his Leader's face.

“Did you just...” he asked quietly, as if unsure.

“Mianhae, did it offend you?” He backtracked, worried. It hadn't been his intention.

“Offend? Ani. But... you said Umma... does that mean...” He faded off, hope gleaming in his eyes,

“Ne, Umma. I've missed you so much!” Before he could say another word, he was engulfed by his Diva Umma's arms and pulled tightly into his chest, he had missed this.

“I've missed you too Sweetie.” Both boys had tears down their faces as they just held each other tightly, feeding off the affection and love from one another.

“Saranghae, Umma. Please don't ever leave me” He said into his shoulder but Key heard him clearly, his body racked with a sob before saying.

“Saranghae Hyung. I promise I will never leave you again. Never!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think? Was it ok, or is this story getting a bit boring now????? Please tell me so i can make a decision on where to take this story. I have a few more chapters planned but i can wrap it up if you guys would prefer. Leave a comment if you can! Kamsahamnida! Thanks guys! I hope all of you enjoyed this chapter.  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	19. Surprise!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The members decide to do something nice for their Leader while he recovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arasso, so this is a REALLY short update, but i'm in the middle of my exams and i just wanted to post a little something. I hope you enjoy! ^_^

 

Later that day, when Onew had fallen asleep, Key went around the dorm and started to clean up. He cleaned the place from top to bottom, because it gave him something to occupy him mind with. Then he came to Onew's room. He still thought back to when he had gone in there after the storm when Onew left them, finding that goodbye note stuck on his desk. He had thought he might have seen his leader for the very last time that night. He had never been so worried, sad and guilty; but know he was back and they had all been given a second chance, he was determined not to mess this one up. As he was cleaning, he spotted the pretty box sitting in the corner of his desk. A light blue box with a ribbon on it, it had a name tag and he couldn't resist taking a look,

 

_Dear Onew,_  
_Happy Birthday!_  
_I hope to have another year of success with you and the other dongsaengs!_  
_Love From Manager Hyung_

 

Then suddenly Key remembered. With everything that had happened the last few days, they had completely forgotten Onew's birthday, again! He quickly finished tidying up and called all the other members to meet him at the café they often visited in disguise. The others were surprised and also a bit worried when they receive Key's message to meet up and they had no clue why.

“What's going on?”

“Is Hyung alright?”

“What is so important?” Key was bombarded with questions as soon as they all arrived. He calmed them down and started to explain,

“Ani, Guys, Onew is fine, well as fine as he can be after what he has gone through. I called you here because I realised we have done something really bad, yet again to our Leader.” they looked at each other with concern on their faces. What had they done now? “We all forgot it was Onew Hyung's birthday on the day we abandoned him. We still haven't celebrated or apologised for forgetting in the first place” realisation dawned on all of their faces at Key's words before the guilt set in again. They couldn't believe they forgot their own Hyung's birthday.

“Well I say we make this one of the best birthdays he has ever had then” Minho said with a smile on his face, making equal grins appear on his friend's faces. They started to plan.

 

When they finally got back to the dorm, they already had their plan sorted. Minho went over to Onew's sleeping figure, scooped him up and took him into his own room where Key came to help tuck him in, while Jonghyun and Taemin started to clear up the living room. Once the room was tidied, Key and Minho helped the other two put up the new decorations they had just bought in town, the whole place was covered in balloons, birthday stickers and cards, there was a beautiful cake on the table with candles ready to be lit, streamers everywhere; the whole place looked so colourful and fun. It took them a while but it was worth it. Eventually when it was all done, Taemin went into Onew's room, while everyone else hid in the living room and called over to him.

“Hyung, please come, we need your help” and quickly left to hide himself. Hearing his maknae call for help, he got up straight away and walked out to the living room. He found the lights had been switched off and everything was black so for a minute he fumbled, trying ot find the light switch. When the lights were flicked on, he almost had a heart attack. All the members jumped out and yelled,

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONEW HYUNG!!!!” and he saw all the decorations, he was so happy.

He had never had a surprise birthday party before and he was touched by it. He had forgotten mostly about his birthday because he had had quite a bit else on, but seeing them do this for him made tears appear in his eyes. Key went and lit the candles and brought out the cake, there were little icing figures on the cake as well as the candles: it was four little figures holding up one at the top who was holding a star, it was so beautiful and he was practically crying while he tried to blow out his candles.

 

For the rest of the evening, they all laughed and just messed around, enjoying themselves. They ate cake, played karaoke and told jokes. It was one of the most fin times they had had since Onew's incident: it seemed like all their troubles were gone. After the party had been going on for a while and all of the members were starting to calm down and get a bit tired, Jonghyun finally remembered the other part of their plan,

“Hyung, we know as it's your birthday we should get you a gift,”

“You don't have to, you have done so much already...” Jonghyun cut across him,

“Ani Hyung, we want to. It's just that we have a special surprise but it will take us a few days to prepare, Mianhae Hyung.” Onew looked like he was thinking for a minute,

“Do you think it would be done in say, 4 days?” he asked, the others were a little surprised that he wasn't trying to fight them.

“Sure, that's more than enough time, why?” Minho replied.

“Well, um... I know you won't really have wanted me to but I kind of have my own presents for you guys.” they were all about to reject when Onew spoke up, “Guys, I've already got them and it would give me a day with each of you, please? I got them to go with the other present which you kind of already saw. Please let me to this with you?” they just looked into Onew's puppy dog face and couldn't resist him. They nodded, he smiled. “Alright, we have a plan! I have prepared a day with each of you to spend with me if that is ok? We can start tomorrow, and we go in ascending age order so I'll go with Taemin tomorrow, is that alright Taemin?” Taemin only nodded with excitement, he didn't know what to expect but he knew it would be fun. They spent a little longer talking and laughing before they decided to call it a night. “Kamsahamnida guys, this has been amazing!”

“No problem Hyung” Key said and the others nodded,

“Arasso, goodnight everyone. Taemin I'll wake you in the morning, arasso? Then you guys can rest or go out to the surprise or whatever you guys have planned” they all nodded and said their goodnights before leaving to their bedrooms for a good nights sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? I would really appreciate some feedback because i need to know if my story is going ok or if it is starting to get tedious. Kamsahamnida to all my readers and supporters - you guys are awesome!!  
> I'll try to update as soon as i can - my exams finish on the 19th so i'm not sure if i will update before then but after that i have loads of time to update! ^_^ Thanks again!  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	20. Gift Exchange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew reveals how much he understands his dongsaengs...

_**The Day Out With Taemin** _

 

The next morning Onew and Taemin woke up and went out together before the others woke up. Taemin still had no idea where he was taking him but he trusted him and knew it was going to be fun. They finally arrived outside a large building – it was a dance studio.

“Hyung, what are we doing here?” he asked in a rather excited voice, Onew smiled.

“Didn't you always say that you wanted to go to a Father/Son dance workshop?”

“Well yeah, but my Appa is too busy and he isn't really a dancer.” he said in a quiet tone,

“Well, as my present to you, we are going to a workshop together!”

“Really Hyung, you and me? To a father and son workshop?”

“If you don't like the idea we can go somewhere else...” he faded off but Taemin just grabbed his hand,

“Are you crazy Hyung? It's perfect, come on let's go!!!” he said and started to literally drag his Leader inside.

Once they were inside they saw many other fathers and sons of all different ages dancing together and it was amazing, soon enough they were joining in and learning and performing great routines together, they were both having so much fun. They were occasionally met with strange looks from the other couples around them but they didn't care, they were having too much fun to even notice. In the middle, they both took a break, they were sweating from working so hard, but neither of them minded, at all. They slumped against the wall of the studio, Onew passed Taemin some water who took it gratefully, his Hyung always took care of him. “Hyung, Kamsahamnida! This is the best present ever, thank you so much for doing this with me” Taemin thanked him. Onew just waved him off, smiling,

“Taemin, this has been just as amazing for me! I'm having a great time today, plus I knew how much you wanted to do this, especially since you miss your parents so much” Taemin just hung his head and nodded, it was true he missed them, he was still young and to be away from his parents so much hurt him quite a lot. Onew just put his arm around him and pulled him into a hug which Taemin returned, it was nice to be in his Hyung's arms, he felt protected and loved. He knew Onew would always be there for him which was why he felt so bad to think he almost let him go, he almost lost him because he was selfish,

“Hyung, I'm really sorry” he said into his Hyung's shoulder,

“I know Tae-Baby, I know” he said and just hugged him tighter. “Come on, how about we go and have some lunch?” Taemin smiled and nodded adorably,

“Ne, Let's go, I'm hungry!” they grabbed there stuff and went out to a close restaurant.

Once they were inside, Onew ordered for the both of them, knowing of course what Taemin's favourite food choice was. When the food came, they talked over things while they ate, occasionally Onew would start to feed the maknae either his own food or some of his. The whole day was really sweet between them and they had a lot of fun, by the end of the day when they got back to the dorm, they were shattered but happy. When they got in they found the others all in the living room discussing something, they turned around to meet them at the sound of the door opening. They all grinned at the smilies on their maknae's and Leader's faces, they could tell they had had a lot of fun, Minho came over and brought Taemin over to the sofa and cuddled into him, while Onew came behind.

“Did you have fun with Hyung, today Minnie?” Minho asked, Taemin just nodded cutely, making Onew ruffle his hair as he passed.

“I'm glad, Taemin! I had a lot of fun as well” For the rest of the evening, the others just chatted about their day, they all seemed very interested about what Taemin had got up to with Onew, hoping it might give them some clues as to where he might be taking them. After a while, Taemin started yawning and his boyfriend decided it was time for them to go to bed.

“Come on Yeobo, you need to sleep!” he said, bundling him up in his arms and was about to walk into his room, when Onew called after him,

“Remember, tomorrow, you and me are going to spend the day together!” Minho nodded and bowed slightly, with an already half asleep maknae in his arms,

“Goodnight, Hyungs”

“Goodnight”

 

 

_**The Day Out With Minho** _

 

Early the next morning, both Minho and Onew left for Minho's gift day. Like with Taemin, Onew hadn't told Minho where he was taking him. They took the SHINee van, as Onew wasn't supposed to drive yet and all the while in the van, Minho and Onew talked together about random things just to pass the time. When Onew realised they only had a few minutes left he pulled something out of his bag; it was a blindfold.

“Are you comfortable wearing this? If not, you don't have to” Onew asked but Minho just smiled and took it from him, securing it around his head. Soon, the van pulled up and Onew undid both of their seatbelts and helped Minho out of the van safely. Once they were both out of the van, Onew thanked the driver and said he would call when he needed him again, and the van drove off. Minho had no idea where his Hyung had brought him but he knew for him to take these measures, it would be great.

Onew stood behind him and pushed his shoulders lightly to make him walk forwards, making sure he didn't lead him into any doors or other objects or people. Minho couldn't even tell shade from light in his blindfold so when he was stopped still and Onew took his blindfold off, the light he was met with, disorientated him for a moment. He looked around and instantly recognised where he was. It was the old stadium he used to play at as a kid and where he came to see his first match with SHINee. It wasn't too large but the whole place was empty except for him and Onew, well almost.

“Hyung, I can't believe you remembered! But why are we here?” he asked, excited but also confused.

“I know how much you love soccer, especially how much you loved playing here. So I thought it might be fun to come and play with the help of a certain someone...” and then he gestured over in the corner where he saw someone approaching.

“Hyung, what are you doing here?” it was his old trainer from when he was young. He had moved out a few years ago so he was surprised to see him back here.

“Well, Minho. Onew called me up and asked if I could come back for a day to spend with you and him, and I said I would be glad too, especially as you are so famous now and it is great to see you!” he said, clasping Minho on the shoulder, Minho could only grin back at his Hyung. Years had past but nothing had changed between them.

For the next few hours, the three of them played together in the stadium, occasionally their Hyung would show them new techniques to make their playing better, and they were having an amazing day. Afterwards, Hyung said goodbye to them both, leaving Minho his card so they could properly keep in contact now, then the two SHINee members, lay back in the stadium on the grass and just looked up at the sky, still breathing heavily. They stayed like that for a while, just catching their breath, when Minho turned his head to his Hyung.

“Kamsahamnida Onew”

“You're welcome, Minho-ah” he replied with a smile on his face,

“I mean it Hyung! Today was amazing, and I will remember it always. Mianhae, we never really got to spend as much time together as we should have. I promise to fix that!” he said and Onew smiled and nodded. It was true they never seemed as close as maybe some of the others but they cared about each other in a tie closer than brothers.

After a while of laying there and just talking, Onew decided it was time to be heading back, he called for the SHINee van driver to come and pick them up. He said it might take a little while because traffic was heavy so they decided to grab some food while they waited. They sat on a bench outside the stadium, waiting while they ate. It was really nice for both of them to be spending this quality time together alone, they had both enjoyed the day so much. They got into the van, which got them home as quickly as it could in the traffic and just as they were about to reach their dorm, Onew felt Minho's hand on his forearm.

“Hyung, you know you really are the best Leader we could ever have” Usually Onew would just laugh a little and wave it off, but this time he could see the seriousness on Minho's face, he really wasn't joking. “Hyung, you are always there for me and the others, but we never really thanked you. So Kamsahamnida Hyung, thank you so much” the whole time Minho spoke, he looked deeply into Onew's eyes so he understood that he really meant what he said. Onew just smiled warmly and nodded, in truth he too, had had the most amazing day, because he got to spend it with one of his closest friends, doing something they loved to do.

 

 

_**The Day Out With Key** _

 

Key was really looking forward to his day out the next morning, after hearing what deep and thoughtful gifts Onew had given Taemin and Minho, he wondered what he had got him for himself. He didn't want to seem greedy or too eager but he was so excited to find out what it was. He was so excited that he ended up waking before Onew got the chance to and came in to wake him up. Though Onew was tired and a little surprised, he was happy that Key was so eager to see what he had in store for him. When planning, Onew had decided that after being like a mother to him, he would have a very special but very long day to say thank you. The first stop in the day wasn't that far so the two of them decided to walk there. All the while they were talking and occasionally Key would just try and trick Onew into telling him where he was taking him, in the end he just started whining and trying to use aegyo, but Onew just chuckled and kept walking. Eventually, they stopped outside a building but Key didn't even notice,

“Hyung, please tell me, where are we going?????” Onew just smiled and gestured his hand to the building in front of them, “WOW” was all he said before Onew felt his hand grasped by the Diva-Umma and he was dragged forcefully towards the large shopping centre.

Onew knew this was one of Key's favourite places to come shopping but the things were often quite expensive and it was hard to find time to come here, also Key seemed to love to dress up his other members and Onew had graciously offered himself up for modelling. Key was clearly over the moon about it and was rushing in and out of shops for over 2 hours, dressing Onew and himself up then giving feedback before either buying or putting back. It was fun but exhausting for the both of them, usually none of the others particularly liked playing doll dress up with Key but on occasion, it could be really fun. After a good few hours, Onew somehow managed to get Key out of the shopping centre and down to wait for the van. They were both weighed down with many heavy bags with various shop names printed on them, Key smiled happily while they waited. When the van pulled up, they put all the bags in the back and hopped in before the van started moving to the next destination.

“Kamsahamnida Onew, today was amazing” he said and Onew smiled back,

“Yeah it was, but it's not over yet!” Key looked a little confused until he looked outside and noticed they weren't on their way back to the dorm.

“You mean there is more? But we've already had such a great time together!” Onew nodded,

“That was great but I want to treat us both to something more!” it was just then that the driver pulled up, the two members quickly jumped out and while Onew thanked the driver, Key was just staring at the building in front of him.

“Hyung, what are we doing here?” he asked, excited.

“I felt bad that you are always cooking for us back at the dorm, I would help but I don't know how and I know how much you enjoy it so I thought it would be fun to come to a couple cooking class, I thought you said once that you wanted to do it with someone but you never found anyone to go.”

“Ne, that's right Hyung, how did you ever remember? But Kamsahamnida Hyung, lets go!!” and yet again, Onew found himself being dragged by the Diva into the restaurant. Once inside, a female chef came forwards and asked their names, Onew gave them and the chef smiled back at them and motioned for them to follow. They were led past the other couples to a private section in the back.

“Annyeong, I will be teaching you today but mostly I will just make sure no accidents happen, feel free to experiment and mess around a little!” the chef said in a sweet voice and showed them everything they would need.

For the next few hours, the two of them cooked, failed, got messy, cleaned up, tried again and just had a lot of fun together. The female chef just looked on and thought how sweet they looked, she could see they were just good friends but she could tell they had a very close connection and she was happy for them. It was funny just being able to watch them and she did occasionally step in to help as it was a cooking LESSON but it was just heaps of fun for all three of them. After they had entirely exhausted themselves (and the ingredients) they decided to go home, the female chef showed them to the door and wished them well. Outside they were waiting for the driver, when a sudden gust of wind blew across them both and Key, who had left his jacket in the van, was shivering terribly. When Onew noticed this, he immediately shrugged off his outer jacket and wrapped it around his dongsaeng's shoulders. He was about to protest but after seeing that look in his eyes Key just took it and bowed in thanks to his Leader.

“Hyung, you always look after us so well” Key said and Onew's smile flickered for a second,

“Well, most of the time”

“No Hyung, all of the time... too much of the time, Mianhae for whenever we have taken advantage of you and your generosity.”

“Ani Umma, you look after me!” he said “I never could have done anything without you” he said in a joky tone but inside he felt deadly serious, he couldn't have become who he is now without them all being around him, even if they were never really there when he needed them most, they were usually close by.

“Not as much as you do for us Onew Hyung. You are our Leader but you have become more of a servant to us because of our lack of gratitude to you and because we took you for granted.” he said and then he bowed low to him, even when others were looking at them in an odd way, Key just didn't care. “Mianhae Hyung, i'm really sorry for all of us” Onew just looked down at him and reached out to gently help him stand straight.

“Key, you know I was never angry with you, there is no need to apologise but if you feel the need to, remember I will always listen to you and if you need it, I will take you back to our special place. You being here with me now, is all the gratitude I could ever need or want.” he said and wrapped his arms around the younger Diva, who returned the embrace tightly, practically clinging to him to keep him close.

“What did we ever do to deserve such a great and kind leader as you?” he asked, still in his embrace. Onew smiled and replied,

“You took care of me” he said but Key just looked down guiltily and said quietly,

“But did we?” he mumbled

 

 

_**The Day Out With Jonghyun** _

 

Jonghyun woke the next morning, alone in his room, he was surprised to see the absence of his lover so he quickly got ready and went to the next room, only to find both Taemin and Minho gone as well. He then went out to the living room, where he found Onew waiting on the sofa.

“Oh, Jonghyun, you're awake” he said as he caught sight of the Dino. Onew could see the question on his face before he even asked it so he just answered, “Don't worry, the others just decided to leave early to go to my surprise, whatever it is. I was just going to wait a little longer before waking you” Jonghyun just nodded with understanding, he knew the surprise they were preparing was going to need a lot of work, so it wasn't surprising they had left early.

“Arasso, Hyung. So what is the plan for today?” he asked, curiously.

“As you know with the others, I took them each somewhere special for their gift, well I want to give you yours here, if that is alright, it is a little different to their presents, but I do have a small trip planned afterwards, if you would like” Onew said, cheerfully. Jonghyun was a little surprised when he said they weren't going out but then he assumed that as Onew must still be angry with him, he would have put less effort in on his gift, how wrong he was. Onew patted the seat next to him on the sofa and Jonghyun came obediently but still slightly confused, to sit down. Once he was sat down, Onew pulled out a large present, wrapped neatly with a bow on it. “Unlike the others, I thought an actual present would be better than an activity, if you don't like it, we can do something else.” he said as he laid it on the table in front of Jonghyun. He leant forwards and reached for the corner to tear the paper off.

Once the paper was gone, Jonghyun found himself holding a large book, more like a photo album. He opened it and gasped as he was met with the faces of all of his fellow members staring back at him. He turned the pages, seeing all the photos from their debut and every comeback since, he saw little trinkets and random objects as reminders of concerts and events that they had been to, he saw fun doodles and bright colours covered every page. The memories were flooding back as he stared at the pages with tears in his eyes. There were even pictures of his family mixed with the ones of SHINee, making the whole thing even more special. Then he noticed that along the way there were pockets which held CDs, he looked to Onew, who nodded, and placed one in the CD player, pressing the play button on the first track. The music that filled the room was a peaceful ballad and as the lyrics began, Jonghyun instantly realised what it was: it was one of the CDs that Onew and he had recorded their duets on, he almost forgot about those CDs and never thought to wonder as to where they had gone after they were created – Onew had been saving them all this time. He switched it off and came to replace the CD carefully in it's respective pocket.

“Hyung, what is this?” he asked, his voice almost cracking.

“It's memories. Memories of our time together, sometimes things get left behind or forgotten but I wanted you to be able to hold onto that. And it is a thank you for everything you have done for both SHINee and for me” he said in a gentle voice. He had thought this might be his reaction when he decided to give this to him and it was why he saved him for last, so he could properly comfort him, like a Hyung and Leader should. Jonghyun was clearly reaching his edge but he was determined to old on a little longer,

“Hyung, you know I don't deserve this”

“Everyone deserves to remember”

“After everything i've done to you...”

“After everything you've done for me” A single tear traced down Jonghyun's face.

“Hyung, please...” he faded off, pleading in his face. Onew just put his arms around him and held him tightly.

“You are special and no matter what you could ever do, that will always be the case”

Onew took Jonghyun's hand and led him out of the room, in his other hand he grasped the scrapbook while he took Jonghyun out of the dorm and down to the van which was waiting for them. Once they were in the van, Onew pulled out a rather large bag and placed the scrapbook in it, being very careful as he did so.

Soon enough, the van pulled up at the back of Seonji park, Onew knew a shortcut so they wouldn't have to face the stares of other children, parents and couples, they both got out, without anyone around, Onew still carrying that bag and started to lead Jonghyun into the woodland area. Soon Onew had directed them both back to their special place, where Jonghyun suddenly felt safer. He was still battling with his emotions, his gift had just been such a surprise and to be given something that meaningful and precious by the very person he had wronged so terribly, so close to the accident, had shaken him terribly, but that was just the reaction Onew had hoped to get from him. Onew knew Jonghyun well, and knew he needed to let all of his emotions out before they overpowered him. He took his hand in his free one and directed them over to the tree where they sat, Onew placing the bag to the side and focusing solely on the fragile boy in front of him.

“You know how it works here Jonghyun. You can tell me anything and anything said here, stays here unless you want otherwise. You can let your emotions free without my judgement and I will be here to support you. But you also know that I will have something to say to you first.”

Jonghyun just nodded and tried to get his emotions under control but he knew that whatever his Leader would say next was going to make it all for nothing. Onew's words alone always managed to bring him to tears, whether they be of sadness or joy. “You are a member of SHINee, Jonghyun. You have the right to be here and you are here for a reason. You are special and our company have seen that, but not just them! I have seen your potential since the first time we met! You are fiercely protective, caring, loving, an amazing singer but above all, you are a phenomenal friend, to us all. You also find it hard to let things go. You hold onto good things, but also to bad. I can see the guilt you are fighting with now Jonghyun, and I can see that you are losing, it is consuming you and I want to help. But you have to trust me and believe when I tell you how amazing you really are, even if you can't see it!”

All the while, Jonghyun's self control was slipping, the more he was praised, the more he wanted to pull his hair out or scratch at himself, he wanted to cause himself suffering for what he had done, yet all his leader did was praise him over and over, he couldn't take it.

“Hyung, please stop, this is killing me”

“Ani, Jjong, I'm serious! You work so hard and you would do anything for one of us, and you cannot deny it. Your heart is big and pure, no matter what you think or feel and every one of us, especially me is there when you feel like it is just to much to carry, let others help you, you told me to let you help me after the incident, now let me do the same for you.”

That was it, that was all Jonghyun could take until he finally just let go. His tears streamed down his face and he rocked backwards and forwards. He looked up through his tears and saw Onew nod at him knowing what he was about to do. Jonghyun came in front of his Leader and grasping his hands tightly, bowed as low as he could in the dirt, his forehead touching the dried mud as he said, practically shouting desperate apologies through his tears. If anyone else saw what he was going through they would only describe it as pitiful, Onew however saw it as healing.

He did as he promised, he just listened and was there for him. He released one of his hands from the vocalist's own, only to grasp his shoulder comfortingly but firmly, grounding him and showing him he wasn't alone. It was a complete and utter breakdown which lasted quite some time, but time didn't matter here, nothing mattered except for fixing these problems and trying to prevent them happening again. Finally the tears subsided, though the apologies were still mumbled into the dirt, until he was practically stilled except for the moving of his lips. Onew shuffled forwards on his knees and lifted the broken figure from the dirt and into his arms. He enclosed them around him, holding him together, there were no more tears to cry and now the breakdown was over, it was time to rebuild him and help guide him to make him a better man than he was before.

“Jjong, I am here for you, you know I will be as long as you want me to be. You might not see your worth past your mistakes but let me show you how much you mean to SHINee, how much you mean to all of us.” He just nodded into his shoulder and they pulled back. Onew turned and brought out the scrapbook, opening it to the first page where there was a photo of all five of them, happy and smiling without a care in the world. In the photo Jonghyun was stood in the middle, with the others around him, he had put his arms around the shoulders of Minho and Key, who stood either side of him “You are part of this group, part of this family!” he then covered Jonghyun in the picture with his hand, “See, without you there is no SHINee, just an empty space” Jonghyun just stared at the picture, his hand tracing the edges where it had been stuck down. He looked up at his leader with wide and searching eyes, that melted his Leader's heart.

“You really believe that Hyung? Really and truly believe it?” Onew smiled, glad he was starting to get through.

“Jonghyun, we all need something. We all need help to hold onto the good things when we are far from our families for long periods of time, which is why I got you this.” he gestured to the book and smiled, Jonghyun smiled back, a true and happy smile, even while his face was red and damp from tears, that true smile managed to light up his face. Onew then turned back to the bag and pulled something out of it, it was a young sapling tree. “Come on!” Jonghyun nodded and followed as they chose a spot, knelt down and together they planted it. “A new start, Jonghyun” Jonghyun sighed to himself

“A new start!” he repeated, more to himself than anything. For the next few hours they looked back over the scrapbook, admiring all the different pictures and memories, laughing and joking. They even just ran around for a little, playing childish games like 'It' and 'Hide and Seek' just messing about and feeling free as the breeze whipped through their hair. Unfortunately, nothing can last forever so they had to pick up their stuff and head back to where the van was waiting, feeling fresh and light hearted. They had had an amazing time together, they were only sad it had to end.

 

On the way back to the dorm, Onew just thought back over these past few days he spent with his members individually and thought about all the fun they had, and all the emotional growth they had been through. He decided it was finally time to tell them the truth...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? I must say i am so much happier with this than my last update, i hope you are too. I was running low on ideas so Mianhae if they were bad, i was just sort of trying to think of things they would be interested in doing together! Kamsahamnida to my readers, commenters, supporters... everyone. you guys are all my inspiration. ^_^  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue


	21. Onew's Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew reveals some details of his darkened past...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys, Just a warning before you read this. this is REALLY quite Dramatic and rather Horrific, just so you are warned. It was kind of hard to write this chapter but i hope it explains a few things! I just hope it isn't too much! (You might want your tissues!) Enjoy!

 

That evening, Onew called all the other members into the living room with a sombre look on his face. The others could tell this was a serious conversation but they couldn't guess what it was about. When they were all seated and looking intently towards their Leader, he finally spoke.

“Dongsaengs, I have never lied to you about my past, but I never told you the whole truth either. I know you often question why I have never told you but I feared you would turn away from me if you knew. My past isn't pretty nor is it bright, everyone has a dark side and this is mine. I know I'm risking a lot by telling you this. But after what we have been through lately, I realise I owe you this much but I would ask that you let me tell my story without interruption, it is hard enough without questions along the way. If you don't want me to stay after you have heard it, I will understand and I will leave.” The others just looked on, unsure of how to react. They had always wondered what Onew's past held but to hear him start his story so seriously told them that maybe they would have preferred not knowing, but if he was willing to tell them then he deserved their attention and respect. He took a deep breath before sighing, then he started his dark tale.

 

“When I was young, I had a happy life, an Umma and Appa who loved me, a comfortable place to call home and everything I could ever need. But then one day, my Appa was framed for something at his work and was immediately fired from his post. He was so angry and when he struggled to find employment, he turned to alcohol. He drank and drank until he became addicted. My happy life was coming to an end and I lost my Appa forever, I was then only left with a cold harsh Father in his place.

"After a while, my Father started to become violent. He went after my Umma on many occasions, coming home drunk he would storm upstairs and beat her senseless. In the mornings, she would come and hug me and make me breakfast, bearing the marks of her lover's abuse, always trying to keep up a smile for me but I could see her pain and fear behind it. Soon, my father's attention became interested in me. During his drunk evenings, he would try and find me to inflict some pain towards, yet my Umma always hid me before he came home. I could always hear her screams, pleads for mercy as he struck her over and over. I wanted so desperately to go to her but she made me promise to never move from my spot, until she came to get me.”

Every member had his eyes fixed to their Leader as he told his tale. They were already feeling such pain and sadness to know what environment he had had to live in but they had only just started. There was a lot worse to come.

 

“Then one day, Umma didn't hear him coming. She didn't have time to hide me like before. I was there when he came stumbling through the door, beer bottle in hand, clothes in disarray, reeking of alcohol and sweat. I was frozen still as he focused on me and walked clumsily, yet still terrifyingly towards me, he raised his fist, yet it never connected with me, not that time. Umma had realised what had happened and flung herself in his way, pushing him away from me and also taking the punch at the same time. They both hurtled to the floor and I heard my mother scream to me,  
_“Aegi, quickly run and hide! GO!”_

I raced up the stairs but instead of hiding I waiting, hiding behind the corner, watching. I watched as he punched her in the face and gut, I watched him kick her while she was down, I watched as he pinned her down and continued to punch her, despite her screams. I even watched as he reached up and smashed the beer bottle down on her head... I watched as she went limp and he eyes flutter closed, her chest stopped moving.”

They were all stunned silent as they listened to his account of his Umma's death. They never could have imagined it happening, and certainly not to Onew or his Umma. Onew had tears in his eyes as he stared at the wood of the table in front of him, completely lost in the memories as they flowed before his eyes. There was a terrible pause of silence before Onew carried on with his story.

“When he finally got off her, his hands were coated in her blood, it spattered across his clothes and his face. He turned to face me and I had never been more terrified. He stomped towards me, climbing the stairs, getting closer and closer. My instinct was to run, so I turned and ran straight to my room, however when I closed the door, my hands couldn't turn the lock so he easily bashed through the door. That was the first night he abused me”

At this news, all the members somehow reacted. Key brought his hands to his mouth as his eyes became damp, Taemin tried to wrap his arms around himself as his own tears threatened to fall, Minho gritted his teeth but also wrapped his lover in a secure hold when he noticed his condition, Jonghyun just put his head in his hands and gripped his hair firmly. They didn't want to believe that Onew had been submitted to such parental abuse but there was also no denying it. But poor Onew still had a lot to say.

 

“That next morning was probably one of the worst in my entire life. My Father kicked me awake, handed me a shovel and ordered me outside. When I got out, I saw him roughly shoving my Umma's carcass into the back of his truck. He told me to sit up front and drove us both out to the middle of nowhere; I never found out where that place was. He pushed me outside of the truck and went to get my Umma's body. He took me over to a spot and threw me to the ground, commanding me to dig. He was never pleased with my work but in the end he just threw her in and told me to cover her back up before taking us home. Once we were back in the house, he pinned me against the wall with his hand at my neck, saying if I told anyone he would make my life a living hell before he would kill me and bury me somewhere where no one would ever find me.

"That same week, he had everything packed up and we left without a moments notice. We told nobody, just up and left. Then when he had me alone in our new home, that was when the real hell started. I was confined to the house, I couldn't go to school because there would have been too many questions about my father and the bruises and obvious signs of abuse. No one even knew about me. I cooked and cleaned and tried to help my father in anyway I could, he was never pleased with me. Everything I did deserved punishment; is what he said. The abuse was none stop. I hardly saw daylight and he often starved me for periods of time to keep me weak and dependant on him. I knew I had nowhere to go - he made sure of that. The abuse became so regular that I learned to just take it, I didn't fight or try to avoid it: just took it silently until he exhausted himself. I was constantly told I deserved it, it was all my fault and I was no good to anyone. I was locked in my room most of the time until one night after he had beaten me and gone to bed, he had forgotten to lock the door behind him.  
I took my chance.

"I grabbed whatever I thought I would need, in a rucksack: clothes, food, passport, I even took some of my Father's money, and left his house forever. I ran and ran s far away from that place as I could. I looked it up and I realised my Grandma on my Umma's side was living a little while away so I used the money I had to get transport there. When she saw me and I explained the situation she took me in and gave me a home. It was warm and cozy but I never felt safe. I constantly feared he would take me away, back to the hell hole he lived in. Grandma was a kind lady who protected me, she even hid me when my Father came looking for me. I stayed with her for a few years and while I was there I learned I had a passion for music. I was a decent singer and dancer and with nothing much else to do in the house, I practiced day and sometimes into the night. I had to be kept a secret so my Father couldn't track me. It was as if I ad never existed but as long as He didn't find me I didn't mind too much. I loved my Grandma so much and I owed her everything. She was the last family I had.”

Onew's expression softened slightly as he remembered her but it quickly hardened again at the next point in the story.

 

“But then one day, she had a heart attack. It came as a surprise to the both of us. She was rushed to the hospital and it was one of the first times I had left the house in years when I went with her. She was very weak but she survived long enough to write her will, stating that everything she owned was given to me. She past away in her sleep the next day. I was left with no one. I knew I couldn't stay there so I packed up everything I would need and sold the rest at an auction. With the money I gained I moved out to start a new life. I decided to move to Seoul and as far away from my past as possible. I found a place to stay where I could be alone, I didn't want to burden anybody else and from them on I promised myself to never speak of what had happened.

"I stayed there for a while, learning from home and practising my singing and dancing until one day, I saw a flyer outside about the SM auditions and thought I might try out. Never in a million years, did I think I would get in but I was chosen. So I went through training like you guys, came up with my happy and silly Onew personality and I was introduced to you guys. When I found out I would be a Leader I swore to protect you and care for you. I wanted to give you the kindness, security and comforting happiness that I was denied. That day I knew I would always put you first, and I knew I would help to make us Shining SHINee.” he finished.

The whole while he hadn't made eye contact until those last few lines. He had finally lifted his head and looked at his beloved members in turn trying to show them as best he could how much he would do for them.

 

Throughout the whole time, they had said nothing, only listened. They all either had silent tears gliding down their cheeks or unshed tears still lingering in their eyes. They didn't know what to say or do, they couldn't believe what their leader had gone through in his short life and still been as strong and pure hearted as he was. A part of them felt relieved to finally know the truth but the other part was horrified at his tale and the terror and horror it held. They had all lived in comfort and love when they were younger, there were sometimes difficulties but they couldn't imagine going through what Onew had.  
It didn't seem real.

After he was finished, they were still speechless. They sat there for a moment before Taemin stood up and walked over to his Hyung, and practically threw himself into his arms, hugging him tightly. Onew seemed to have told his story as blankly as he could as if trying to distance himself from the horrific events but now he felt his maknae's arms around him, he couldn't hold it any longer. The flood gates opened and the tears fell like a waterfall. He clung to the youngest who just tried to comfort him as he broke down in front of him. The others watched as he started to crumble until one by one they all came over and joined in the hug and let their own tears for their Leader fall. They all just comforted each other until they had all regained their self-control. Onew smiled weakly behind his tears and thanked them for being there for him.

“It's the least we could do, Hyung. You have always been there for us countless times.” Minho said.

“If you don't want me here anymore I will understand.” he said tearfully and the others hated to see him that broken,

“Ani, Hyung. Why would we not want you anymore?” Jonghyun asked,

“I thought that since i'm clearly broken and tainted, that you wouldn't want me anymore. I'm not a good person” he said and his tears threatened to fall again.

“Ani, Hyung. Never! We never want you to leave us. You are not tainted, nor broken and you are one of the most amazing people we could ever know! Please stay Hyung, please!” Taemin said and Onew just looked up hopefully.

“You mean it? After all you know, you still want me?”

“Hyung, if anything it makes us respect you even more. You have been through so much and you are so strong, yet you are still so kind and pure. Kamsahamnida Hyung. You really are the best Leader we could ever have!” Key finished and the others all nodded with agreement before joining in another group hug. All of them smiling and finally looking like the friends they really were again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think? i hope this wasn't too much... was it? Ugh, i'm not sure so please leave some feedback! i will wrap the story up soon so i hope you are still enjoying it! Kamsahamnida to my supporters and readers! I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Feel free to comment, i luv reading them!  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	22. The Final Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The members finally reveal their Leader's birthday present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mianhae it has been so long since the last update, i have been busy and only jus got back from holiday, i hope you enjoy this next chapter.

 

When they pulled back from the hug they were all smiling, behind Onew's smile there was still the pain and hurt from his past memories that might not ever truly go away, but each one of his dongsaengs was now there to help him as best as they could to get past it and to make even better memories to replace his past ones. They all wiped any remaining tears from their eyes and cheeks, Key even came over and did Onew's for him, just being a typical Umma and Onew couldn't help but smile again as he did so.

“Kamsahamnida Umma” he said after Key was happy that his face was dried,

“No problem, Sweetie. Do you feel better now?” he asked gently.

“Ne, thanks to you guys. Thank you for listening to my story, i'm glad I don't have to hold it inside me anymore”

“You're welcome Hyung. Remember we are always here for you, just like you are for us.” Jonghyun replied. None of them tried to apologise for what he went through. There was nothing any of them could have done to prevent it and saying sorry wouldn't do any good now, all they could do was to just make sure Onew always felt loved and cared for with them. After a moment of comfortable silence, Taemin looked up and spoke.

“Hyung, I know what will make you feel better. If right now you follow us outside, into the dark where you will be kidnapped by the SHINee van and we will take you to a surprise mystery location!” Taemin said with a completely serious face. Everyone took one look at the maknae, then to each other, before they all burst out laughing in unison. Taemin took a moment to pretend to look annoyed or offended before a cheeky grin spread across his face as well.

“Really? You think it will help?” Onew said behind his chuckles, trying to act timid but failing miserably.

“Oh, Yes Hyung. I'm sure a long drive into the middle of nowhere is just what you need!” Minho said, trying to contain his laughter.

“Arasso, then I guess we have no choice but to go!” Onew finished, smiling. So still joking and laughing, the five of them grabbed their jackets and headed down to the van, ready to take them to Onew's surprise. On the way out Jonghyun grabbed his new gift and took it down to the van with him.

 

 

During the ride there, Jonghyun showed his new present from his leader to the other three who looked at it intrigued and with smiles of either happiness or embarrassment at some of the photos. They all agreed it was a very sweet and personal gift to give him and they could see in his smile, how happy it made their lead vocalist. The whole journey, they distracted themselves in the scrapbook and the memories of it all, until eventually the van stopped in the middle of nowhere like they had said. There were no lights around except for the torches Minho and Key pulled out of their pockets, they had planned well for this. Jonghyun looked towards their confused leader and smiling, reached out his hand to grab his. The Leader looked down for a moment at their entwined hands before looking up into the face of his Dino member and smiling. They all turned to each other and grasped hands while they walked together, Key and Minho on the outside of the line, holding their torches. Then when they got to a certain point the other four stopped suddenly and turned to their Leader. Minho then pulled something else out of his pocket. It was the blindfold he had asked him to wear for his surprise two days ago. Smiling, but also confused, Onew took it and secured it on his head without asking the questions that were burning in his head. They held hands again and directed Onew over to a little area.

“Hyung, we are going to take off the blindfold but please look at the ground” Key said before coming behind him and taking it off. Onew did as instructed and kept his head lowered. It was still dark around him all except for a little name plate, with a light hanging over it. He looked down and read:

 

_Onew: The best Leader we could ever have. He has cared for us and protected us from the very beginning. He is kind and funny but he also has a pure heart. Hyung is the best thing that has ever happened to us, he brought us together and he keeps us strong. Fighting! His SHINee dongsaengs._

 

After he read this, tears pricked Onew's eyes. He was so touched by their message; he didn't know what to say. He felt his dongsaengs crowd in around him and he felt all of them reach out and make some physical connection. Taemin hugged him from the side, Key came on his other side and held his hand, Jonghyun firmly grasped his shoulder from behind and he even felt Minho tower over him and ruffle his hair. Onew mock pouted and said,

“Hey! Minho-ah I'm your Hyung!”

“Yeah, Hyung you are. But that doesn't mean your taller than me!” He chuckled and the others joined in.

“Hyung, read it out.” Taemin said in a quiet voice and without questioning, he looked back down and voiced the very words engraved into the plate. As soon as the word 'Fighting!' left his mouth, the whole area around him light up, like magic. It was the most beautiful thing Onew had ever seen, the whole landscape around him was glowing in golden and silver light. He gazed around in wonder with single tears trickling down his cheeks, then as he turned around he saw the other's areas he had created for them all 5 of the areas now radiating their different colours and he turned to face his members who had great smiles on their faces, he had never felt such love from anyone other than his Umma when he stared into their faces. He walked forwards to them and threw himself into their arms and they all tightly hugged each other, confirming their care and love for each member of the group. When they pulled back they were all smiling like idiots but Onew could see their was still something troubling them and he knew what it was. He took their hands again and led the four of them over to a small area of still natural grass without lights covering it, yet still bathing in the glow from the trees around it, where they all sat in a circle so they all could see each other.

“Guys, I know you are still hurting. You can try and hide it all you want, but after hiding my past for as long as I have, I kind of pride myself in being able to tell when someone is hiding something. I know what the problem is and I want to fix it now so you don't have to hurt anymore” Onew said looking to each one in the circle.

“Hyung, as long as you are well and happy, then we will be fine” Jonghyun said but Onew just cut across him,

“Yes Jonghyun, I used to say the same thing about you and look where that got me. I don't want you to be fine. I want you to be happy and feel loved and cared for. I want to rid you of your problems or as it is in this situation; your guilt.” Jonghyun just looked down and nodded at his Leader's words.

“Mianhae, Hyung.” He mumbled.

“Ani, Jjong. Don't apologise for being selfless and thinking of me. It's just that at times you have to be selfish in order to protect yourself and those around you. I learned that the hard way.” He said and smiled a small smile. He paused for a moment and looked around at his members and friends, meeting each one of them in the eyes before he started talking again.

 

“The last time you apologised to me in the hospital, I couldn't properly forgive you because at the time I didn't see how you were at fault and I didn't want to forgive you then as if you forgive someone you acknowledge they were wrong. Since then I have been thinking things over, and with your help I have started to heal from my past wounds. Last time you apologised, I promised that with time I would learn to understand and I think I finally do” he said and the others listened in closely to what he had to say, silence hung in the air as Onew thought for a small moment just how to phrase his next word. “What you did was wrong, and I understand that now. I do blame you now, and no longer blame myself, but I am not angry; I never was! Because I forgave you the moment it happened, or rather the moment I realised you were at fault. The only thing that has changed is my feelings towards myself, my bonds to you have only tightened, they will never break, I understand that now. You really do need me as much as I need you and now we will always be there for each other, right?” They all looked up into his eyes and smiles appeared on their faces. They all nodded to his question.

“Always”

“You bet Hyung!!”

“We really do, Aegi!” but then as Onew looked to Jonghyun, he saw he looked almost pained by a question, yet hope burned in his eyes when he voiced it.

“You would really forgive us, after everything we put you through?” Onew smiled at him with care and affection. The vocalist seemed so unsure of himself and even now he found it hard to believe he was forgivable, it was just part of his character.

“You made a mistake just like everyone does, that doesn't mean you can't make up for it.” He said and Jonghyun seemed to relax a little before he looked to the other three either side of him who nodded to him and he turned back to ace his Leader, then he asked,

“Will you at least let us apologise one last time, please” Onew smiled and nodded. The four others moved from their circle onto their knees in a long line, all facing directly to Onew who just sat there watching. “Hyung, we made a terrible mistake. We didn't trust you and took action before waiting for your explanation. We all hurt you so much, despite how good you have always been to us. We have also never been good enough dongsaengs and we haven't respected and looked after you like we should have. So we are here on our knees saying sorry, and asking for your forgiveness. We are so so sorry” He said and the four of them then bowed low to him, when they came back up he spoke again. “Will you please forgive us Hyung?” Jonghyun finished. Onew just looked at the four of them and he thought about how close they were and how much love and care he had for them. In truth he knew nothing could ever separate them or make him feel any less connected to them. They were his family and they would stick together until the end.

“Ne, dongsaengs. I forgive you with all my heart.” he said with a smile on his face. “Now get over here and give my a hug!” he said and as soon as the words left his mouth, he was tackled my four grinning and laughing boys. He didn't know how this could get any better!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kekeke! What do you think? I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
> This story is coming to a close now though, i have decided that my next update will be the last. I hope you have enjoyed the story so far and will wait a little longer to hear the end.  
> Thanks a lot guys! Feel free to leave a comment!  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


	23. We Are Shining SHINee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annyeong! This is the final chapter!! It is rather short because i didn't really know what else to put in it plus i feel really emotional that it is coming to an end!! Kekeke! Hope you enjoy!

 

When the members finally got off their leader, they lay there on their backs laughing for a few minutes.

“We love you Hyung.” Taemin said suddenly looking over to his Hyung, Onew looked to him, “You know that right?” Onew smiled and rolled over onto his stomach and looked to his maknae then looked around at the others.

“Ne, Taeminnie. I know. And you all know that I love you!” They all stood up and hugged in a group again tightly. “Kamsahamnida, dongsaengs! This really is the best present I could ever receive” he said and the others looked to each other before Minho said.

“Well, Hyung. We actually have one last gift for you. It's not much but we thought you might like it.” They then looked to Jonghyun, drawing Onew's attention to him as well as he reached into his pocket for something. He brought out a little white case, he walked over to his Leader's side and bowed, presenting it to him. Onew carefully took the small box and opened it, he gasped at what he saw inside. A small silver ring was embedded in the soft inside of the box. He picked it up with slightest touch, he noticed the small inscription on the side; it read,

 

_Shining SHINee – Our Family_

 

Tears were pricked in his eyes as he stared at the ring in his hands.

“We found your old one the day we found you, it was broken beyond repair so we thought we should get you a replacement. If you don't like it we can always...” Key's words were cut off by Onew's arms winding around him in a tight embrace. Onew had slipped the ring on which fit him perfectly and as soon as he heard Key's words he was in his arms. He had been sad when he found he had lost his original because it had been with him through all of SHINee's lifetime but it wasn't the ring that was important, no trinket could ever hold the same power and influence of his members. But he loved his gift and was so thankful that his dongsaengs had done this for him.

“Kamsahamnida Umma. It's perfect, don't think of trying to change it”

“Arasso, Aegi. I'm glad, we all are!” He said into his Leader's shoulder. Onew stepped back and hugged each member in turn and thanked him. Afterwards he turned to address his members altogether and said,

“What you wrote on this ring is true. We are a family and though times may be hard and there will be times when it seems hopeless, but we will be their for each other and protect each other like brothers. I couldn't hope or want for a better family. Kamsahamnida for being there for me” he said and the others just smiled back at him, nodding. They knew there would be hardships ahead, but they trusted each other and would always be there for one another. Onew looked at them and decided it was finally time to show them his one last present. “Dongsaengs, there is one thing I want to show you. I knew Manager showed you what I had done, but he didn't show you my final piece, I didn't even tell him about it.” He turned them all around so they were facing a completely dark and deserted area, outside of the glow from the tree lights. “We are friends, we are family, we are inspiration and we are SHINee. I want you to look out into the dark and on the count of three, shout out We are shining SHINee.” he instructed and the others nodded with anticipation. “One... Two... Three...”

“We are shining SHINee” they all shouted simultaneously.

 

Suddenly out of nowhere, a giant heart shape made of pearl aqua green lights, lit up and the words 'I Luv U' appeared in the middle. It was so beautiful and captivating that the others couldn't help but stare in amazement., while Onew couldn't help but chuckle at the expressions on their faces, making them all momentarily look away from the scene in front of them to their Hyung smiling affectionately at them. They wanted so much to thank him for all he had done for them, not just now but for everything he had ever done, but they couldn't find the words to express it, but Onew could see it in their eyes.

“I made this for you... for us. To express everything we have done and gone through ever since we first met. This is our special place, we may already have one to express our problems, but this is a place to express our love and be reminded of our promises and dreams. Do you know why I first had the idea to make this for you? I wanted to show you something. Just look around you. This is the power of SHINee. We make the world light up, for our fans, anyone with an interest in k-pop, our families, but most importantly for each other.” He finished.

They all had tears of joy sparkling in their eyes, but nobody's fell: this wasn't the time for tears. They all crowded round and hugged each other tightly, feeding off of the love and care from each other. Onew looked at his fellow members and smiled to himself, thinking of all the good times, and the bad, how they had broken apart only to be fixed back together and made even stronger than before. He just smiled. His family was back together. Everything was as it should be. SHINee were Shining once again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! I'm not really good at finishing stories so i hope this wasn't a dissappointment! But Ugh, it's all over! T-T I really enjoyed writing this!!! Like so much! I have luved making you happy, making you sad, inspired and whatever else my writing has made you feel and i'm so glad you enjoyed this. I also hope that my message through this story stays with you and that you might remember this story!  
> Ppyong,  
> PearlescentSkyBlue Xx


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